Bed and Breakfast...

I like sleeping. On top of Owner’s bed, on top of Grumpy child, on top of Owner, sometimes on top of Tula The Perfect Dog (although you have to be fast moving if Tula decides she is getting fed up of being squashed…). I mean, eating is good, particularly the big box of Fish4Dogs doggy treats which was about £25. Who left the entire box within climbing range of the Minxster? Well, I’m not sure, but whoever it was I’m a big fan. And Owner was very happy too because she said “For crying out loud those were to last both of you at least 3 weeks!”. So by eating them within a very short time frame it has saved Owner the terrible worry of where to store all the treats. The answer is: in my stomach.

But once the eating has finished it is time for the sleeping. Owner has been fairly tired recently, I have no idea why (although she keeps frowning at me when she says she is tired) and has thus fallen asleep on the sofa on several occasions. By waiting until Owner makes a noise like a saw mill, a careful Minxster can climb over the arm of the sofa and snuggle up next to Owner. Not the top end though, just in case Owner drools on me in her sleep. Eurgh. Sometimes Tula The Perfect Dog beats me to it, which isn’t a problem. You just wait until both Owner and Tula The Perfect Dog are asleep then bash them both with your paw until they wake up, and hopefully they blame each other.

Owner doesn’t sleep as well in her bed as she appears to on the sofa. Apparently when I sleep outside her door and decide to have an ear scratch fest at 3am which rattles the door like a juggernaut is coming through, and add to that my “RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrRRRRR” conversation to let Owner know I have the EXACT right place to itch, it doesn’t help Owner to sleep. Strange. With this in mind, I came upstairs one day to find Tula The Perfect Dog has a new bed that looks like a deluxe off the ground double hammock with a massive duvet on top. Tula and I went to sniff it, we put a paw on it, then Tula ignored it and got on Owner’s bed, whilst I helped by pulling the duvet back off the new contraption. Meanwhile, Owner had washed my nice old smelly duvet and put the new yucky smelling one inside a soft dog bed and pushed it as hard as possible against her door as a sort of sound proofing device. This was easily sorted by pulling the duvet out of this bed too, and gave an excellent opportunity to eat a bit of duvet and scatter some foam about over the landing and down the stairs as a treat for Owner when she woke up. A winter wonderland in the middle of summer, what a thoughtful little hand bag sized Giant I am.

It took Tula The Perfect Dog 4 days before she caved and started using her new bed. I won’t go near it as I think it is a secret torture device that may eat me if I sit on it. I have decided to sleep on either side of my new soft bed, but won’t yet risk going IN the bed overnight. Tula The Perfect Dog is happy to roll about in it, but I’m not so sure. Owner carefully places me in the bed at night, but as soon as she shuts the door I creep out and lie on the carpet instead. Besides it makes a much better noise when I scratch if I can get myself flat against the door without the stupid bed in the way…..and if owner is tired, well maybe she will fall asleep on the couch again and we will all be happy. I noticed Owner has bought some interesting devices called “ear plugs” the other day, but as yet, I haven’t had the opportunity to eat them. Don’t worry, I will update you as soon as I do.....

I'm not small, I'm handbag sized...

I’m not small, I’m handbag sized….

What a day. I was recovering from yesterday when Owner came home and THREATENED me by putting a raw lamb kidney in my food bowl (dear god mum do I look like a lion?) when my dragged me out for a walk really, really early this morning. Owner, Tula the Perfect Dog and I were all yawning, but Owner was shouting “Run! Run like the wind! Chase ALL the rabbits!”. This sudden change in behaviour was strange even for Owner who is really quite potty. So when we got home and it was time for my apres walk snooze, Owner chucked me in the back of the car with Tula and drove into the distance.

I woke to some loud discussion between Owner (driving) and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages who were both yelling at the small device that is supposed to tell Owner how to get to places, but usually it gets us to the general area rather than specifically to where Owner wants to go. Instead of saying “You have reached your final destination” it should probably say “I have taken you as close as I can be bothered, I suggest you now get out an A-Z or ask someone to direct you”. Anyhow, Owner took us on a lovely 20 min detour that brought us to where we wanted to go – about 2 mins from the original place we stopped in Llandudno.

As Giant Schnauzers we enjoy the fact that lots of people stop us and make a fuss of us because we are a fairly unusual breed. So imagine our surprise when there was 9 Giant Schnauzers all waiting for us to arrive! Although, when I realised I was the smallest by some considerable margin I was slightly put out. Luckily there was a fabulously friendly white Mini Schnauzer and a brave but annoyingly cute puppy mini (oh come on people, stop looking at the gorgeous pup and look at ME) so by hanging around near them I still looked BIG. Tula the Perfect Dog flirted with virtually all the dogs but was particularly flirty with a young gentleman named Enzo. She also liked a large dog named Dylan who was quite woofety, but I was a bit more cautious – I prefer men my own size *winks at Otto*

I am normally a bit cautious around larger dogs, but actually as time went on I went to say hello to all the dogs, even the loud ones, and they were all really friendly with me. Which was all good, but there was a distinct lack of rabbits to chase. What to do? Ah, but Minxsters are very good at improvisation. And sure enough, there was some dead crab to munch on while Owner and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages both went “Euuuuurrrgh…”.

Afterwards we were invite to JoniwhoownsDylanandLayla’s hotel (www.clontarfhotel.co.uk) where I had a good nosey about and settled in the corner with Tula the Perfect Dog. If you ever want a break this hotel comes with a Minxster stamp of approval. Anyhoo, the boring hoomans started talking (blah blah blah) and poor Joni tried to cater for my Owner. Now, anyone who knows my Owner knows that woman can eat as an Olympic event. She started with a Caffitiere of coffee – bad move! Once the coffee starts flowing Owner gets very possessive about her cuppa. And it was, apparently very, very good coffee. So the first cup went in and Owner walloped down a couple of HUGE egg and watercress sandwiches faster than Tula can leap on the chair on top of me if I try to steal her spot. And that’s FAST. Then some home made cinnamon buns came out and Owner was in there like a lion at a gazelle. I was a bit scared to be honest, and made sure I kept all my paws away from her mouth just in case. By the time Owner was on her third cup, having alarmingly found her 2nd cup had been cleared away (OH DEAR GOD PLEEEEZE SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE SHE NOTICES) she had also put away a chocolate eclair and was working through the home made Victoria Sponge that someone had carelessly put next to Owner….. I am wondering to myself exactly where she is putting all this stuff, and maybe she has a secret food pouch….and Joni comes in with raw food for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to eat it, but when Tula polishes off hers and then nicks mine, I am beginning to see why Tula and Owner relate to each other so well. Well, for a change it isn’t ME embarrassing themselves, but Owner. No one else managed to put so much else away, and as Owner is waddling out the door having said goodbye to all our friends, she whizzes a couple of Cinnamon buns to scoff on the way home….I have a cuddle with poor Joni in the hope that I can go someway for making up for Owner’s disgraceful behaviour, and maybe, just MAYBE Joni will let us come back for a holiday rather than shutting the door and hiding in case Owner eats her out of house and home.

So when we get home Owner scoffs one of the remaining buns and changes into her PJs. She scoots off into the bathroom and there is a loud scream. Oh no, I know what that means. Owner has gone on the scales……..I suspect she will be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. Maybe she can scoff the other bun to cheer herself up. Looks like us dogs are not going to be the only giant things in the house at this rate…….

RRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL

RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRLLLL

Hello and welcome to my…..

RAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRLLLL

……blog. Well this week….

RRRRAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLL

Ok, lets go into the other room. This week something sad happened. The rabbit died which made Owner very sad as it was nine and a half years old. Tula the Perfect Dog was very sad as she didn’t get to eat it. But it is buried in the garden which could be a future challenge for us.

Today we went out in the garden when the most GODAWFUL noise came from a garden nearby. It sounded a bit like someone was being strangled but louder. Owner came wandering down the garden with her hands over her ears and went for an investigation. It turned out that one of those miniature domestic lions had decided to go break dancing in an old football net in the one foot space behind someone’s garage. There is a garage on one side of the space, and a 7ft fence on all of the other sides. I’m sniggering to myself thinking who on earth would be stupid enough to go down a one foot wide space because they are bound to get stuck, when suddenly a HUGE ladder sticks in the air from next door, and OWNER goes wobbling up the ladder!!! She throws step ladders down the gap and disappears from sight. Tula and I are not sure quite what to do for the best here, so we decide that barking lots will help the situation. Meanwhile, Owner finds a very pretty long haired white fluffy cat with tight net twisted around its throat and legs. It is unable to move, is petrified, is bleeding and is trying to eat its own leg to try desperately to free itself. Owner is not really a moggy person, but is most definitely a rescue an animal kind of person.

Owner shouts to a neighbour for help and the neighbour rushes back with scissors. As soon as Owner cuts one bit of net away, she finds more and more net hidden under the fur. Cat is so tired and sore it isn’t really fighting or struggling. In fact, Owner said the only reason she knew it was still ok was that it was still yowling…..

Owner was still working in a very tiny confined space, but eventually cut all the net away. She pulled the cat up and put it on her shoulder at which point it started purring for a while….but then owner couldn’t actually climb out the awkward space with the cat. Hmm, big problem then. Huge problem actually because Owner feeds me, and Tula is bigger than me so I cant eat HER. Anyhooo, when the rabbit went to the carrot patch in the sky it left behind it’s vet carrier box. So neighbour rescued the box and poor kitty was put in the box, which enabled owner to make her wobbly clamber up one ladder with the kitty in one hand and sort of leap to the other ladder avoiding breaking the fence and probably her neck too. I was pretty glad to see her because there was rusty nails everywhere and god forbid she should injure her can opening arm. Kitty is SO happy to be in the box it says “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL"
How does something that small make so much noise? At first I thought it would be great to keep it as a toy but even I had enough of the noise at this point.

Well, Owner takes kitty to the vet, and vet says kitty is going to live. Kitty has a leg it cant stand on, but it’s not broken, it’s just sore from being tangled up in a funny position. A bit like Owner when she can’t sleep and gets all tied up in bedclothes and annoys Tula by wriggling about. So then Owner comes home and has to find who actually owns Yowling Kitty. Although, quite frankly, I’m surprised everyone within a 10 mile radius don’t know where Yowling Kitty is. So how does Owner find where Yowling Kitty lives? She knock on the door of every 5th house in the area until she finds someone who points her to the place where a long haired white cat lives. And inside the house was a very worried lady who cried when Owner told her that Yowling Kitty was OK and not squished. Which was all well and good and daredevil Owner was intact. Except now I seem to have another visitor on the other side of the fence trying to say “Thank you”……

RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLL

*Minxster puts paws over ears*

Watch the Birdy.....

Well Owner has been very busy so I haven’t been up to my usual amount of adventures recently. But Spring has sprung which had caused all manner of havoc at Tula Towers. Strangely, Owner has decided that brown doors should be white doors. I have no idea why this would be important but apparently it “JUST IS.” A long and well thought out argument there. So Owner trots off to her local DIY store and buys a big tin of white gloss. For most people who have met me, the words “white gloss” and “Minxster” are a combination that should never ever go together.

Much to Owners great surprise (and losing a £10 bet in the process) it was NOT me who managed to run through the house with white gloss on my paws. And sadly for Tula the Perfect dog, the evidence was still on her paws. So whilst Owner was on her hands and knees pointing at the carpet and telling Tula the Perfect dog that she had really let the side down, I decided to have a snooze in the sunny patch by the big window in the back room. Or so I thought.

Next to my lug hole came a “tappity tap” noise, but when I opened my eyes there was nothing there. Owner and Tula were still deep in conversation (although it did seem pretty one sided). So I rolled on my back, and drifted off again only to be woken by a more insistent tapping. Outside was a bird, that spent the next week tapping on the window seemingly whenever it got bored. At first I barked my head off at it, but over the next week I discovered that this made not a jot of difference. Except that sometimes it waved its wings too.

To be honest I thought Birdy was a bit of a nuisance, but the whole household got used to it bouncing and tapping and waving on a regular basis. That is, until one evening when Birdy was tweeting and waving at me and I spotted a miniature tabby tiger creeping down the garden – and it wasn’t thinking friendly thoughts. Birdy was so busy jumping and waving and tweeting that even when I started bouncing up and down I think Birdy thought it had turned into a two-way game.

Luckily Tula realised that the door was open and went tearing down the garden after the cat. By the time Owner wandered out to see what was going on, we had the cat cornered half way up a tree. Owner went out and shouted at the cat that she didn’t want it trying to eat the birds and would it kindly shove off. The cat obviously took this as a threat and went to the very top of the tree where is promptly got stuck. Had it been Christmas it would have made a pretty good ornament if it would have had a couple of wings stuck on its back, but it was Easter so seasonally incongruous. Tula and I had got fairly bored at this point due to the stalemate situation, until Owner decided to try to rescue the cat, who in thanks, then arched its back, hissed and spat at Owner. This was obviously and attempt to attack and maim Owner so we both felt it was important to look fierce at the bottom of the tree. In retrospect this probably didn’t help the now stuck and petrified cat. We were removed back inside the house while Owner tried to work out what to do about the stuck cat. It started to go dark. We could still see the silhouette of the cat from the window and Owner started to feel quite sorry for the cat - but it wasn't moving. At this point it started to hail huge hail stones at which point the cat decided that being stuck AND pelted wasn’t much fun so it scampered down the tree and was off into the darkness.

And after that great shock, what has happened to Birdy? Absolutely nothing, the annoying blighter is still tapping away but now we are all on guard patrol to make sure it doesn’t get eaten. Although the cat is probably reluctant to return after being chased by a Schnauzer covered in white gloss. It certainly made Owner scream when she saw Tula doing her best Dalmatian impression. For once, I’m not in the dog house. But I’m sure I can change that given enough time....

Fame won’t change me…much.

Fame won’t change me…much.

Well it’s a long time since I have written on my blog, bad Minxster. But I thought I would share my latest adventures with my readers, because I don’t want anyone accusing me of changing since I found FAME. No autographs please, and pictures with the authorisation of my management team only.

On Friday evening Owner was ill….she sometimes gets migraines and on this particular evening she came home as white as a sheet and fell into her bed upstairs. I use the term ‘her’ bed loosely. Us Schnauzers are very caring souls and we hate anything being wrong with those we love, particularly when they are the ones that feed us and walk us; very, very worrying. So I jumped on one side of the bed and squished owners tummy with my paw which made her groan so I knew she was still alive. I lay on the bed next to her and put my head on her shoulder, while Tula lay on the other side of Owner. The Tula side was the one with the vomit bucket, so I was pretty pleased not to be on that side thanks very much. Well Owner soon felt right as rain, but we had all gone to bed very early. Obviously that means we MUST get up early too, so I helped her remember that by barking and howling at 5am. She was very happy that I did that because she played a game where she pulled pillows over her head, but Tula and I soon pulled those off, and then we had a tug of war with the duvet. Fun!

But things soon changed when we got downstairs. Owner poured about half a pint of coffee down her throat and through her bleary eyes she started inspecting our coats. Before I had chance to hide under the dining table, the grooming table was out and I was being manhandled by a half asleep Owner. Tula and I were trimmed and chopped, then shampooed and trimmed again, blow dried and primped and combed. It was very exhausting for me. Particularly when she trims the hair around the pads of my feet: “Tee hee Owner stoppppit that tickles…”. Having started at 5.30am, by 11.30am Owner was happy that we both looked ok, (and also we had got wise and were now running away when the comb came out).

Then we jumped in the car, but Owner wouldn’t let us shove our heads out the windows, so we just barked at passing dogs from inside the car which I think Owner really enjoys. We were taken to a park full of lots and lots of different dogs, Staffies, Labbies, Bull Mastiff-ies, Spangles (editor: Spaniels?) Bananaramas (editor: Weimaraner?), Terrorists (editor: Terriers) and a Enormous-Great Dane, and I haven’t seen so many dogs since we were at a……..hang on a minute….oh my god, Owner has brought us to a DOG SHOW. On the plus side there are lots of exciting bottoms to sniff and the odd dropped hot dog, a nice man was giving away poop bags – possibly because Tula did something that looked like it was so big that there may have been a different weather system at the top…but Owner ALWAYS picks up after us.

Well, we started walking in a big circle in the show ring and Tula did her special prance because she is a bit of a show off in these situations, but she was wasting her time because Owner had accidentally put us into both ‘Dog with the Waggiest Tail’ when we have no tail, duh, and ‘Worst Behaved Dog’ which I really thought I had a shot at. Sadly for me, there was a fabulous Lakeland Terrier who attacked his own lead all the way around the ring who won; he is my hero.

There was then a dog display with lots of clever dogs who bounced and boinged over stuff which was so interesting I nearly got my head stuck in the railings. But then they used firearms to make loud noises to show how well trained some dogs were in catching baddies. This may or may not have been interesting – I wouldn’t know because I bolted for the exit before there was anymore bangs. The Great Dane nearly jumped his own height again too, so it wasn’t just me who got a surprise.

After being coaxed back with bribery, I sat shaking for a little while until Owner’s friend arrived with a cute little Staffy who didn’t like her bottom being sniffed – but loved being made a fuss of by Owner. This distracted me just enough that when they did the next categories for the dog show I was no longer like a jelly. Categories came and went but we didn’t win anything. The very last category was called, and during our walk around the ring both Tula and I decided we would have a pee while Owner went a funny shade of pink and covered her face with her hands. The Judges pointed to us and said “Best in Show”…. Owner was all huggy and kissy with us both (euuurgh) and we got a huge purple and white rosette and people took our picture. Owner was blubbering all over the place because it turned out I won! Although Tula says WE won and it was largely thanks to her special trot. Funnily enough, on the way home Owner said SHE won because she had done the grooming, but we all know Owner doesn’t know what she is talking about. So now I am a famous Minxster I am expecting stuff to change around here, like for starters this grooming lark can go out the window so I am off to run through the shrubs at the end of the garden and get scruffy again….

This blog was done in memory of my close doggy pal, Alice, pictured above, who went to Rainbow Bridge recently. We will all miss you.

Socks Addict….

It’s true. I admit it. At first I could handle it but it is rapidly escalating out of control. It used to be just a small sock, (worn preferably) that I could hide somewhere in the back of my dog crate so Tula the Perfect Dog couldn’t steal it. Recently I have taken to stealing them off the radiator when they are drying, which has caused some confusion to Owner who now has about 14 odd sock and only about 3 pairs. But socks are great cos you can pull them apart on the floor so it looks like some kind of sock autopsy when Owner walks in. Occasionally I get a bit carried away and actually EAT the sock too, which makes for some interesting deposits in the garden. But it’s much softer coming out the rear than the chewed Tupperware was the other week – ouchy. I think Tula the Perfect dog has been watching the art of sock stealing but failed miserably this morning by trying to steal the sock WHILE OWNER WAS STILL PUTTING IT ON. Ambitious – yes, I had to admire how brazen she was, but in terms of managing to get away with sock theft, not great.

Anyhooo, I got a brilliant new gift from Owner this week. Owner had cleared out Grumpy Son’s room and dismantled his single bed, which was very narrow and thus son would kind of get in the way when I was trying to share it with him at night. But on Friday there was a NEW ARRIVAL. A HUGE new bed in Grumpy Son’s room, which fits me just perfectly. At first I wasn’t sure as it is on castors, which are put on the bottom of a bed so that if a Giant Schnauzer jumps on it and you have a laminate floor then the whole bed scoots over the room and scares the dog. I soon got the hang of jumping on the bed towards the wall so we don’t do the dog roller coaster ride though. Sadly for me, Grumpy Son also expects to share my new bed. There is plenty of room for both of us, but y’know, it’s a bit of a cheek really. At least he warms it up for me a bit though …and when he is asleep I can steal his socks, mwahahahaha.

The Not Food Diet

This week started with a brilliant new trick. Owner came in from popping out to the shops and I greeted her from the top of the dining table. Owner was so astonished that she completely forgot to tell me quite how clever I was for managing such a skillfull thing and instead she let out a noise that sounded like a pressure cooker boiling over. Owner isn’t always as bright as me though, so she didn’t work out the motivation behind my fantastic trick. Next to the dining table is a very high unit, and near the top of it is a Tupperware tub with yummy treats for me and Tula the Perfect Dog. So when owner left the room next, I mountaineered seemingly dog-proof furniture and whizzed the goodie tub. It was full of dried fish, which was a pretty good find.

Unfortunately, I ate much more of it than I should have done, partly because I am greedy and partly because it was fun knowing I was eating Tula the Perfect Dog’s portion too. Quite soon my stomach started to rumble and grumble in a very worrying way. I went outside and was very alarmed at what happened at my rear end, but suffice to say the pond has a waterfall that isn’t dissimilar. At this point it sounded like Owner said “NO FOOD FOR YOU FOR 24 HOURS UNTIL YOUR TUMMY GETS BETTER.”. I thought this was quite a funny joke until my food bowl got presented at tea time with some water and some glucose in it. I tried turning the bowl over to see if the food was hidden, but no, Owner was obviously trying to STARVE ME TO DEATH.

Giant Schnauzer are not good at being hungry. In fact, it is something that Minxsters are naturally bad at. So, when Owner had to go out to put petrol in the car and pick up a pint of milk, she came back to a much fuller Minxster. Not the fridge contents, I’m working on opening the fridge but haven’t perfected yet. No, it was my blue plastic tugger toy. Usually I play with my toy and chew it a little until Tula The Perfect Dog removes it from me. If I REALLY love a toy, I run off with it and bury it at the back of my dog crate. But this particular day I had a bit of a chomp of the toy, then thought it tasted better than the glucose and water, so I ate THE WHOLE THING. Which was quite some feat because it was a large toy. Owner knew nothing about my snack until my tum started to make bad noises again, and bits of the tugger came out the rear. Owner looked at the peculiar blue poopy and then searched the house hoping to find the rest of the tugger. Stupid Owner, why would I leave something that was (sort of) edible? So Owner looked at me sadly and said “We are going to have to starve you another 2 meals, Minx”…. AAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!!

Hungry, hungry, hungry. Tula started to look good to eat, but she has pretty big teeth so that was OUT. Owner has put the rabbit’s cage behind two rows of fire guards, so that was OUT (but tempting). But when Owner was tidying upstairs, my climbing skills got the better of me, and I got my paws on the Tupperware that had the dried fish in that caused the whole problem in the first place. Had it been filled up again? Sadly, no. So I ate the Tupperware. After this my tummy felt BAD. And soon, Owner’s carpet looked BAD too (oops).

It took 2 days for all the plastic to make its way through my system. Owner said she had never seen so much poopy that was almost entirely plastic. It was like I had turned into a rather unsavoury Lego making machine. Owner looked after me carefully in case I needed to get to the vet at any point. She also said useless stuff like “If you wouldn’t have eaten so much shite then you wouldn’t be feeling so rubbish now"…..like THAT’S gonna help after the event, thanks a lot. Next time Owner drinks too much I will point the same thing back out to her. But I think Owner has learned her lesson. Unless it can run faster than me, it comes under the category of food in my mind. Now, where’s that table leg…….*sound of chomping*