Watch the Birdy.....

Well Owner has been very busy so I haven’t been up to my usual amount of adventures recently. But Spring has sprung which had caused all manner of havoc at Tula Towers. Strangely, Owner has decided that brown doors should be white doors. I have no idea why this would be important but apparently it “JUST IS.” A long and well thought out argument there. So Owner trots off to her local DIY store and buys a big tin of white gloss. For most people who have met me, the words “white gloss” and “Minxster” are a combination that should never ever go together.

Much to Owners great surprise (and losing a £10 bet in the process) it was NOT me who managed to run through the house with white gloss on my paws. And sadly for Tula the Perfect dog, the evidence was still on her paws. So whilst Owner was on her hands and knees pointing at the carpet and telling Tula the Perfect dog that she had really let the side down, I decided to have a snooze in the sunny patch by the big window in the back room. Or so I thought.

Next to my lug hole came a “tappity tap” noise, but when I opened my eyes there was nothing there. Owner and Tula were still deep in conversation (although it did seem pretty one sided). So I rolled on my back, and drifted off again only to be woken by a more insistent tapping. Outside was a bird, that spent the next week tapping on the window seemingly whenever it got bored. At first I barked my head off at it, but over the next week I discovered that this made not a jot of difference. Except that sometimes it waved its wings too.

To be honest I thought Birdy was a bit of a nuisance, but the whole household got used to it bouncing and tapping and waving on a regular basis. That is, until one evening when Birdy was tweeting and waving at me and I spotted a miniature tabby tiger creeping down the garden – and it wasn’t thinking friendly thoughts. Birdy was so busy jumping and waving and tweeting that even when I started bouncing up and down I think Birdy thought it had turned into a two-way game.

Luckily Tula realised that the door was open and went tearing down the garden after the cat. By the time Owner wandered out to see what was going on, we had the cat cornered half way up a tree. Owner went out and shouted at the cat that she didn’t want it trying to eat the birds and would it kindly shove off. The cat obviously took this as a threat and went to the very top of the tree where is promptly got stuck. Had it been Christmas it would have made a pretty good ornament if it would have had a couple of wings stuck on its back, but it was Easter so seasonally incongruous. Tula and I had got fairly bored at this point due to the stalemate situation, until Owner decided to try to rescue the cat, who in thanks, then arched its back, hissed and spat at Owner. This was obviously and attempt to attack and maim Owner so we both felt it was important to look fierce at the bottom of the tree. In retrospect this probably didn’t help the now stuck and petrified cat. We were removed back inside the house while Owner tried to work out what to do about the stuck cat. It started to go dark. We could still see the silhouette of the cat from the window and Owner started to feel quite sorry for the cat - but it wasn't moving. At this point it started to hail huge hail stones at which point the cat decided that being stuck AND pelted wasn’t much fun so it scampered down the tree and was off into the darkness.

And after that great shock, what has happened to Birdy? Absolutely nothing, the annoying blighter is still tapping away but now we are all on guard patrol to make sure it doesn’t get eaten. Although the cat is probably reluctant to return after being chased by a Schnauzer covered in white gloss. It certainly made Owner scream when she saw Tula doing her best Dalmatian impression. For once, I’m not in the dog house. But I’m sure I can change that given enough time....

Fame won’t change me…much.

Fame won’t change me…much.

Well it’s a long time since I have written on my blog, bad Minxster. But I thought I would share my latest adventures with my readers, because I don’t want anyone accusing me of changing since I found FAME. No autographs please, and pictures with the authorisation of my management team only.

On Friday evening Owner was ill….she sometimes gets migraines and on this particular evening she came home as white as a sheet and fell into her bed upstairs. I use the term ‘her’ bed loosely. Us Schnauzers are very caring souls and we hate anything being wrong with those we love, particularly when they are the ones that feed us and walk us; very, very worrying. So I jumped on one side of the bed and squished owners tummy with my paw which made her groan so I knew she was still alive. I lay on the bed next to her and put my head on her shoulder, while Tula lay on the other side of Owner. The Tula side was the one with the vomit bucket, so I was pretty pleased not to be on that side thanks very much. Well Owner soon felt right as rain, but we had all gone to bed very early. Obviously that means we MUST get up early too, so I helped her remember that by barking and howling at 5am. She was very happy that I did that because she played a game where she pulled pillows over her head, but Tula and I soon pulled those off, and then we had a tug of war with the duvet. Fun!

But things soon changed when we got downstairs. Owner poured about half a pint of coffee down her throat and through her bleary eyes she started inspecting our coats. Before I had chance to hide under the dining table, the grooming table was out and I was being manhandled by a half asleep Owner. Tula and I were trimmed and chopped, then shampooed and trimmed again, blow dried and primped and combed. It was very exhausting for me. Particularly when she trims the hair around the pads of my feet: “Tee hee Owner stoppppit that tickles…”. Having started at 5.30am, by 11.30am Owner was happy that we both looked ok, (and also we had got wise and were now running away when the comb came out).

Then we jumped in the car, but Owner wouldn’t let us shove our heads out the windows, so we just barked at passing dogs from inside the car which I think Owner really enjoys. We were taken to a park full of lots and lots of different dogs, Staffies, Labbies, Bull Mastiff-ies, Spangles (editor: Spaniels?) Bananaramas (editor: Weimaraner?), Terrorists (editor: Terriers) and a Enormous-Great Dane, and I haven’t seen so many dogs since we were at a……..hang on a minute….oh my god, Owner has brought us to a DOG SHOW. On the plus side there are lots of exciting bottoms to sniff and the odd dropped hot dog, a nice man was giving away poop bags – possibly because Tula did something that looked like it was so big that there may have been a different weather system at the top…but Owner ALWAYS picks up after us.

Well, we started walking in a big circle in the show ring and Tula did her special prance because she is a bit of a show off in these situations, but she was wasting her time because Owner had accidentally put us into both ‘Dog with the Waggiest Tail’ when we have no tail, duh, and ‘Worst Behaved Dog’ which I really thought I had a shot at. Sadly for me, there was a fabulous Lakeland Terrier who attacked his own lead all the way around the ring who won; he is my hero.

There was then a dog display with lots of clever dogs who bounced and boinged over stuff which was so interesting I nearly got my head stuck in the railings. But then they used firearms to make loud noises to show how well trained some dogs were in catching baddies. This may or may not have been interesting – I wouldn’t know because I bolted for the exit before there was anymore bangs. The Great Dane nearly jumped his own height again too, so it wasn’t just me who got a surprise.

After being coaxed back with bribery, I sat shaking for a little while until Owner’s friend arrived with a cute little Staffy who didn’t like her bottom being sniffed – but loved being made a fuss of by Owner. This distracted me just enough that when they did the next categories for the dog show I was no longer like a jelly. Categories came and went but we didn’t win anything. The very last category was called, and during our walk around the ring both Tula and I decided we would have a pee while Owner went a funny shade of pink and covered her face with her hands. The Judges pointed to us and said “Best in Show”…. Owner was all huggy and kissy with us both (euuurgh) and we got a huge purple and white rosette and people took our picture. Owner was blubbering all over the place because it turned out I won! Although Tula says WE won and it was largely thanks to her special trot. Funnily enough, on the way home Owner said SHE won because she had done the grooming, but we all know Owner doesn’t know what she is talking about. So now I am a famous Minxster I am expecting stuff to change around here, like for starters this grooming lark can go out the window so I am off to run through the shrubs at the end of the garden and get scruffy again….

This blog was done in memory of my close doggy pal, Alice, pictured above, who went to Rainbow Bridge recently. We will all miss you.

Socks Addict….

It’s true. I admit it. At first I could handle it but it is rapidly escalating out of control. It used to be just a small sock, (worn preferably) that I could hide somewhere in the back of my dog crate so Tula the Perfect Dog couldn’t steal it. Recently I have taken to stealing them off the radiator when they are drying, which has caused some confusion to Owner who now has about 14 odd sock and only about 3 pairs. But socks are great cos you can pull them apart on the floor so it looks like some kind of sock autopsy when Owner walks in. Occasionally I get a bit carried away and actually EAT the sock too, which makes for some interesting deposits in the garden. But it’s much softer coming out the rear than the chewed Tupperware was the other week – ouchy. I think Tula the Perfect dog has been watching the art of sock stealing but failed miserably this morning by trying to steal the sock WHILE OWNER WAS STILL PUTTING IT ON. Ambitious – yes, I had to admire how brazen she was, but in terms of managing to get away with sock theft, not great.

Anyhooo, I got a brilliant new gift from Owner this week. Owner had cleared out Grumpy Son’s room and dismantled his single bed, which was very narrow and thus son would kind of get in the way when I was trying to share it with him at night. But on Friday there was a NEW ARRIVAL. A HUGE new bed in Grumpy Son’s room, which fits me just perfectly. At first I wasn’t sure as it is on castors, which are put on the bottom of a bed so that if a Giant Schnauzer jumps on it and you have a laminate floor then the whole bed scoots over the room and scares the dog. I soon got the hang of jumping on the bed towards the wall so we don’t do the dog roller coaster ride though. Sadly for me, Grumpy Son also expects to share my new bed. There is plenty of room for both of us, but y’know, it’s a bit of a cheek really. At least he warms it up for me a bit though …and when he is asleep I can steal his socks, mwahahahaha.

The Not Food Diet

This week started with a brilliant new trick. Owner came in from popping out to the shops and I greeted her from the top of the dining table. Owner was so astonished that she completely forgot to tell me quite how clever I was for managing such a skillfull thing and instead she let out a noise that sounded like a pressure cooker boiling over. Owner isn’t always as bright as me though, so she didn’t work out the motivation behind my fantastic trick. Next to the dining table is a very high unit, and near the top of it is a Tupperware tub with yummy treats for me and Tula the Perfect Dog. So when owner left the room next, I mountaineered seemingly dog-proof furniture and whizzed the goodie tub. It was full of dried fish, which was a pretty good find.

Unfortunately, I ate much more of it than I should have done, partly because I am greedy and partly because it was fun knowing I was eating Tula the Perfect Dog’s portion too. Quite soon my stomach started to rumble and grumble in a very worrying way. I went outside and was very alarmed at what happened at my rear end, but suffice to say the pond has a waterfall that isn’t dissimilar. At this point it sounded like Owner said “NO FOOD FOR YOU FOR 24 HOURS UNTIL YOUR TUMMY GETS BETTER.”. I thought this was quite a funny joke until my food bowl got presented at tea time with some water and some glucose in it. I tried turning the bowl over to see if the food was hidden, but no, Owner was obviously trying to STARVE ME TO DEATH.

Giant Schnauzer are not good at being hungry. In fact, it is something that Minxsters are naturally bad at. So, when Owner had to go out to put petrol in the car and pick up a pint of milk, she came back to a much fuller Minxster. Not the fridge contents, I’m working on opening the fridge but haven’t perfected yet. No, it was my blue plastic tugger toy. Usually I play with my toy and chew it a little until Tula The Perfect Dog removes it from me. If I REALLY love a toy, I run off with it and bury it at the back of my dog crate. But this particular day I had a bit of a chomp of the toy, then thought it tasted better than the glucose and water, so I ate THE WHOLE THING. Which was quite some feat because it was a large toy. Owner knew nothing about my snack until my tum started to make bad noises again, and bits of the tugger came out the rear. Owner looked at the peculiar blue poopy and then searched the house hoping to find the rest of the tugger. Stupid Owner, why would I leave something that was (sort of) edible? So Owner looked at me sadly and said “We are going to have to starve you another 2 meals, Minx”…. AAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!!

Hungry, hungry, hungry. Tula started to look good to eat, but she has pretty big teeth so that was OUT. Owner has put the rabbit’s cage behind two rows of fire guards, so that was OUT (but tempting). But when Owner was tidying upstairs, my climbing skills got the better of me, and I got my paws on the Tupperware that had the dried fish in that caused the whole problem in the first place. Had it been filled up again? Sadly, no. So I ate the Tupperware. After this my tummy felt BAD. And soon, Owner’s carpet looked BAD too (oops).

It took 2 days for all the plastic to make its way through my system. Owner said she had never seen so much poopy that was almost entirely plastic. It was like I had turned into a rather unsavoury Lego making machine. Owner looked after me carefully in case I needed to get to the vet at any point. She also said useless stuff like “If you wouldn’t have eaten so much shite then you wouldn’t be feeling so rubbish now"…..like THAT’S gonna help after the event, thanks a lot. Next time Owner drinks too much I will point the same thing back out to her. But I think Owner has learned her lesson. Unless it can run faster than me, it comes under the category of food in my mind. Now, where’s that table leg…….*sound of chomping*

Harsh, but Fur....

Someone call the RSPCA. Owner is trying to freeze me and drown me. I’m not sure exactly what I have done wrong – there are so many things to choose from, but it must have been reeeeeeeeeally bad.

It was raining this morning, so rather than go out for my usual bounce and charge over the sand dunes, owner got a table out and called us both for a GROOM. Occasionally when we are out people ask owner who grooms us, and she says she does. When they ask where she trained, she says “At the School of Being Too Broke to Take The Dogs to a PROPER Groomer”. Well, I don’t know where this school is but I can tell you their customer service training is rubbish. Owner got the clippers out and whizzed my coat off so it’s all cold and brrrrrr –like. And just as I was wondering if the reduction is weight would help me to catch more rabbits, owner waved some chicken at me and scarpered upstairs. Fast as a fast thing, I charged after her and discovered myself trapped in the bathroom with a grinning Owner. I was picked up (there was much grunting and groaning from Owner at this point, so Owner needs to get to the gym more often) and put in the bath tub. Owner jumped in, and then turned the shower on. Bubbles flew everywhere and then I was dumped back out on the floor. I smelt like a vet’s surgery, but Owner said that the shampoo made me smell gorgeous. Shampoo? What was wrong with smelling of stale fish and REAL poo??? Anyhow, while Tula the perfect dog was being conned into the drowning machine I escaped between Owner’s legs and out the door. I must admit, that the idea of watching Tula the Perfect Dog being drowned was quite appealing, but the idea of being drowned for a second time was NOT. Well, Owner’s bedroom was straight across the landing so off I pottered. There was some dry clothes hanging over the radiator so I pressed my head into those and pushed my body along them to dry those bits that are hard to get too. Handily the clothes landed on the floor, so that gave me something warm to wriggle on to sort my wet back. But really, the short hair and the bathroom dunking left me a bit cold so I needed to warm ALL of me. So I came up with the stunning idea of getting INTO Owner’s bed, which was very comfy and just the job for a few ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzs.
About ten minutes later I was awoken by Owner who was not so impressed by my Giant Schnauzer Dry Cleaning Invention. Turns out she had JUST WASHED THAT! (Me? Or the Bed?) and for some reason this meant it was bad that I had wriggled all over it. Probably cos I made it smell of the nasty shampoo (HA! ). Tula the Perfect Dog had a few words to exchange too, so there was much barking and bouncing off furniture for about ten minutes until Owner announced she was GETTING A HEADACHE. I can’t wait until tomorrow so I can roll about in dead seagulls and mud so I can show Owner just how beautiful a Giant Schnauzer can really smell.

Minxster train-ing

It has been a very adventuresome day for me today. My Owner selfishly went to work for a couple of hours and when she came back she remembered she needed to go to the shops to return a can full of stuff that turns her orange. Or in this case, she staggered around looking like an Orangutang until the gunk dried, and as soon as she took a shower she was back to her normal slightly scary pale colour. She says she needs to put it on so her legs don’t scare her dance students when she has her shorts on. But if I saw someone with legs that look like an orange and white Bumble Bee, I’d be petrified….
Enough with the social commentary. So when Owner came home I thought I was in for an afternoon of finding interesting positions to nap in, annoying Tula the Perfect One or Bin Destruction. But Owner got our leads out! Most unexpected given that we had already had a long walk where I almost behaved. Well Owner pulled out a red and white spotted scarf that looked like it should be in pantomime on the end of a stick with all one’s worldly belongings inside…and knotted it firmly around Tula the Perfect Dog’s neck. I was sniggering away to myself when the most horrendous thing happened. OWNER PUT ME IN A JUMPER. A bright red jumper with a black paw print on the side. There was no time for rolling about to get it off, Owner was out the door with 2 surprised Giant Schnauzers being marched along.
We went along a busy road, which I am trying to get used to, although I don’t particularly like a lot of traffic. And then we went in a building and down some stairs…..and a huge big thing came thundering along some rails and swallowed all the people waiting on the other side! It was very shocking for a Minxster but particularly when one arrived on our side and I was expected to get on. Are you kidding me??? Tula the perfect dog got on, but I spread my paws out so I couldn’t be moved. Owner picked me up and plopped me inside which was the second most humiliating thing to happen after THE JUMPER. Lots of people looked at us on the train and I’m sure one or two were sniggering but owner said we looked LOVELY. Oh please. If you think it’s so lovely why don’t you wear it Owner.
Wandering around the shops was full of interesting stuff like food on the floor, pigeons who cant run properly who were within Minxster radius, small children waving sweets around and a lady who came over and said we were adorable so went to buy us some treats. Owner said she thought she should have put a hat on the floor, and then she could have sat cross legged and collected donations from all the people who wanted to make a fuss of us both. It’s the jumper, I swear.
We also bumped into a Norwegian lady who had a 13 year old Giant called Tanya in Norway, then shortly afterwards we met a family who have a Giant called Lucy and a mini called Pippa. My Owner tried to give us away to this family in exchange for a few quid, but luckily she was only joking and said she couldn’t live without us.
On the way home a FANTASTIC thing happened. The man sat near use ATE A PORK PIE. We both watched very very carefully as he ate it, and he gave us some funny looks but strangely didn’t give us any to eat. But it kept us both very busy until our stop, and the return journey was much less scary for a little Giant Schnauzer. It was very cold when we got off the train so I was rather happy I had THE JUMPER on. So Minxster has now conquered trains, without peeing on it, barking the entire journey or bouncing off the walls. It just remains for me to empty the bin all over the lounge to teach my Owner not to dress me up.

Wobbly few days....

It has been a wobbly few days here at Palace du Tula. Firstly, there has been the weather. As a Minxster there is nothing better than bouncing through the snow and then all over owner. But the snow is now ice, and my 4wd is obviously a bit faulty cos there have been a few rear end skids that have resulted in me stopping a little more suddenly than I was intending. Owner was very concerned and held her hand over her mouth whilst snorting and shaking, which I presume means she was worried about my welfare. Owner declared that it was DANGEROOOOOS outside and she wasn’t risking her neck for the entertainment of watching me do a starfish impression. Owner obviously forgot just how bored a little Giant Schnauzer can get, so there has been many varied games I have come up with like:

• Ripping up newspaper and shredding it


• Eating the rabbit’s food.


• Trying to eat the rabbit.


• Waiting until Tula the Perfect dog is asleep, taking hold of the corner of the sofa throw and tugging to see if she falls off


• Running off with Owner’s socks


• Trying to sleep on top of Tula.


• Hiding behind the bathroom door when Owner is DOING STUFF in the bathroom then barking at her when she comes out

But Owner had other things on her mind. A couple of years ago she lost her beautiful labrador to cancer. The first indication that he had any illness was that he had a tumour in his anal gland. Owner was very sad when it was time for him to leave her and she still has pictures of the BEAUTIFUL BOY WHO BROKE MY HEART all over the house. So, when Owner found a lump in the same place when grooming Tula the Perfect Dog she was WORRIED. It came at a very bad time, because Owner is usually at home with us most of the time, but it happened during a few days when she had lots of meetings and couldn’t do anything. The funny thing was, when Owner tried to sleep she had nightmares, and when she woke up she seemed to mis-remember the little lump as being a huge lump the size of a cannonball. Owner kept getting very sad but today she got Tula the Perfect Dog to the vet. Fighting back the tears, the took the Tula in, and was told that there was a little fluid, which was sorted in about five seconds, and Tula the perfect dog happily trotted out with a clean bill of health. Owner came home and sat on the sofa with us Giants on either side saying I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH DON’T EVER GET ILL. And then we got a treat. Presumably this means we have been trying really hard not to be ill so we get rewarded for that. I was just pleased I didn’t get the vet’s cold hand up my bottom too thanks to my Owner’s dog illness paranoia. I may even try to sneak on Owner’s bed for a cosy night’s sleep on the back of her relief. If I can manage to look REALLY pitiful…..