Socks Addict….

It’s true. I admit it. At first I could handle it but it is rapidly escalating out of control. It used to be just a small sock, (worn preferably) that I could hide somewhere in the back of my dog crate so Tula the Perfect Dog couldn’t steal it. Recently I have taken to stealing them off the radiator when they are drying, which has caused some confusion to Owner who now has about 14 odd sock and only about 3 pairs. But socks are great cos you can pull them apart on the floor so it looks like some kind of sock autopsy when Owner walks in. Occasionally I get a bit carried away and actually EAT the sock too, which makes for some interesting deposits in the garden. But it’s much softer coming out the rear than the chewed Tupperware was the other week – ouchy. I think Tula the Perfect dog has been watching the art of sock stealing but failed miserably this morning by trying to steal the sock WHILE OWNER WAS STILL PUTTING IT ON. Ambitious – yes, I had to admire how brazen she was, but in terms of managing to get away with sock theft, not great.

Anyhooo, I got a brilliant new gift from Owner this week. Owner had cleared out Grumpy Son’s room and dismantled his single bed, which was very narrow and thus son would kind of get in the way when I was trying to share it with him at night. But on Friday there was a NEW ARRIVAL. A HUGE new bed in Grumpy Son’s room, which fits me just perfectly. At first I wasn’t sure as it is on castors, which are put on the bottom of a bed so that if a Giant Schnauzer jumps on it and you have a laminate floor then the whole bed scoots over the room and scares the dog. I soon got the hang of jumping on the bed towards the wall so we don’t do the dog roller coaster ride though. Sadly for me, Grumpy Son also expects to share my new bed. There is plenty of room for both of us, but y’know, it’s a bit of a cheek really. At least he warms it up for me a bit though …and when he is asleep I can steal his socks, mwahahahaha.

The Not Food Diet

This week started with a brilliant new trick. Owner came in from popping out to the shops and I greeted her from the top of the dining table. Owner was so astonished that she completely forgot to tell me quite how clever I was for managing such a skillfull thing and instead she let out a noise that sounded like a pressure cooker boiling over. Owner isn’t always as bright as me though, so she didn’t work out the motivation behind my fantastic trick. Next to the dining table is a very high unit, and near the top of it is a Tupperware tub with yummy treats for me and Tula the Perfect Dog. So when owner left the room next, I mountaineered seemingly dog-proof furniture and whizzed the goodie tub. It was full of dried fish, which was a pretty good find.

Unfortunately, I ate much more of it than I should have done, partly because I am greedy and partly because it was fun knowing I was eating Tula the Perfect Dog’s portion too. Quite soon my stomach started to rumble and grumble in a very worrying way. I went outside and was very alarmed at what happened at my rear end, but suffice to say the pond has a waterfall that isn’t dissimilar. At this point it sounded like Owner said “NO FOOD FOR YOU FOR 24 HOURS UNTIL YOUR TUMMY GETS BETTER.”. I thought this was quite a funny joke until my food bowl got presented at tea time with some water and some glucose in it. I tried turning the bowl over to see if the food was hidden, but no, Owner was obviously trying to STARVE ME TO DEATH.

Giant Schnauzer are not good at being hungry. In fact, it is something that Minxsters are naturally bad at. So, when Owner had to go out to put petrol in the car and pick up a pint of milk, she came back to a much fuller Minxster. Not the fridge contents, I’m working on opening the fridge but haven’t perfected yet. No, it was my blue plastic tugger toy. Usually I play with my toy and chew it a little until Tula The Perfect Dog removes it from me. If I REALLY love a toy, I run off with it and bury it at the back of my dog crate. But this particular day I had a bit of a chomp of the toy, then thought it tasted better than the glucose and water, so I ate THE WHOLE THING. Which was quite some feat because it was a large toy. Owner knew nothing about my snack until my tum started to make bad noises again, and bits of the tugger came out the rear. Owner looked at the peculiar blue poopy and then searched the house hoping to find the rest of the tugger. Stupid Owner, why would I leave something that was (sort of) edible? So Owner looked at me sadly and said “We are going to have to starve you another 2 meals, Minx”…. AAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!!

Hungry, hungry, hungry. Tula started to look good to eat, but she has pretty big teeth so that was OUT. Owner has put the rabbit’s cage behind two rows of fire guards, so that was OUT (but tempting). But when Owner was tidying upstairs, my climbing skills got the better of me, and I got my paws on the Tupperware that had the dried fish in that caused the whole problem in the first place. Had it been filled up again? Sadly, no. So I ate the Tupperware. After this my tummy felt BAD. And soon, Owner’s carpet looked BAD too (oops).

It took 2 days for all the plastic to make its way through my system. Owner said she had never seen so much poopy that was almost entirely plastic. It was like I had turned into a rather unsavoury Lego making machine. Owner looked after me carefully in case I needed to get to the vet at any point. She also said useless stuff like “If you wouldn’t have eaten so much shite then you wouldn’t be feeling so rubbish now"…..like THAT’S gonna help after the event, thanks a lot. Next time Owner drinks too much I will point the same thing back out to her. But I think Owner has learned her lesson. Unless it can run faster than me, it comes under the category of food in my mind. Now, where’s that table leg…….*sound of chomping*