I'm not small, I'm handbag sized...

I’m not small, I’m handbag sized….

What a day. I was recovering from yesterday when Owner came home and THREATENED me by putting a raw lamb kidney in my food bowl (dear god mum do I look like a lion?) when my dragged me out for a walk really, really early this morning. Owner, Tula the Perfect Dog and I were all yawning, but Owner was shouting “Run! Run like the wind! Chase ALL the rabbits!”. This sudden change in behaviour was strange even for Owner who is really quite potty. So when we got home and it was time for my apres walk snooze, Owner chucked me in the back of the car with Tula and drove into the distance.

I woke to some loud discussion between Owner (driving) and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages who were both yelling at the small device that is supposed to tell Owner how to get to places, but usually it gets us to the general area rather than specifically to where Owner wants to go. Instead of saying “You have reached your final destination” it should probably say “I have taken you as close as I can be bothered, I suggest you now get out an A-Z or ask someone to direct you”. Anyhow, Owner took us on a lovely 20 min detour that brought us to where we wanted to go – about 2 mins from the original place we stopped in Llandudno.

As Giant Schnauzers we enjoy the fact that lots of people stop us and make a fuss of us because we are a fairly unusual breed. So imagine our surprise when there was 9 Giant Schnauzers all waiting for us to arrive! Although, when I realised I was the smallest by some considerable margin I was slightly put out. Luckily there was a fabulously friendly white Mini Schnauzer and a brave but annoyingly cute puppy mini (oh come on people, stop looking at the gorgeous pup and look at ME) so by hanging around near them I still looked BIG. Tula the Perfect Dog flirted with virtually all the dogs but was particularly flirty with a young gentleman named Enzo. She also liked a large dog named Dylan who was quite woofety, but I was a bit more cautious – I prefer men my own size *winks at Otto*

I am normally a bit cautious around larger dogs, but actually as time went on I went to say hello to all the dogs, even the loud ones, and they were all really friendly with me. Which was all good, but there was a distinct lack of rabbits to chase. What to do? Ah, but Minxsters are very good at improvisation. And sure enough, there was some dead crab to munch on while Owner and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages both went “Euuuuurrrgh…”.

Afterwards we were invite to JoniwhoownsDylanandLayla’s hotel (www.clontarfhotel.co.uk) where I had a good nosey about and settled in the corner with Tula the Perfect Dog. If you ever want a break this hotel comes with a Minxster stamp of approval. Anyhoo, the boring hoomans started talking (blah blah blah) and poor Joni tried to cater for my Owner. Now, anyone who knows my Owner knows that woman can eat as an Olympic event. She started with a Caffitiere of coffee – bad move! Once the coffee starts flowing Owner gets very possessive about her cuppa. And it was, apparently very, very good coffee. So the first cup went in and Owner walloped down a couple of HUGE egg and watercress sandwiches faster than Tula can leap on the chair on top of me if I try to steal her spot. And that’s FAST. Then some home made cinnamon buns came out and Owner was in there like a lion at a gazelle. I was a bit scared to be honest, and made sure I kept all my paws away from her mouth just in case. By the time Owner was on her third cup, having alarmingly found her 2nd cup had been cleared away (OH DEAR GOD PLEEEEZE SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE SHE NOTICES) she had also put away a chocolate eclair and was working through the home made Victoria Sponge that someone had carelessly put next to Owner….. I am wondering to myself exactly where she is putting all this stuff, and maybe she has a secret food pouch….and Joni comes in with raw food for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to eat it, but when Tula polishes off hers and then nicks mine, I am beginning to see why Tula and Owner relate to each other so well. Well, for a change it isn’t ME embarrassing themselves, but Owner. No one else managed to put so much else away, and as Owner is waddling out the door having said goodbye to all our friends, she whizzes a couple of Cinnamon buns to scoff on the way home….I have a cuddle with poor Joni in the hope that I can go someway for making up for Owner’s disgraceful behaviour, and maybe, just MAYBE Joni will let us come back for a holiday rather than shutting the door and hiding in case Owner eats her out of house and home.

So when we get home Owner scoffs one of the remaining buns and changes into her PJs. She scoots off into the bathroom and there is a loud scream. Oh no, I know what that means. Owner has gone on the scales……..I suspect she will be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. Maybe she can scoff the other bun to cheer herself up. Looks like us dogs are not going to be the only giant things in the house at this rate…….

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Hello and welcome to my…..

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……blog. Well this week….

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Ok, lets go into the other room. This week something sad happened. The rabbit died which made Owner very sad as it was nine and a half years old. Tula the Perfect Dog was very sad as she didn’t get to eat it. But it is buried in the garden which could be a future challenge for us.

Today we went out in the garden when the most GODAWFUL noise came from a garden nearby. It sounded a bit like someone was being strangled but louder. Owner came wandering down the garden with her hands over her ears and went for an investigation. It turned out that one of those miniature domestic lions had decided to go break dancing in an old football net in the one foot space behind someone’s garage. There is a garage on one side of the space, and a 7ft fence on all of the other sides. I’m sniggering to myself thinking who on earth would be stupid enough to go down a one foot wide space because they are bound to get stuck, when suddenly a HUGE ladder sticks in the air from next door, and OWNER goes wobbling up the ladder!!! She throws step ladders down the gap and disappears from sight. Tula and I are not sure quite what to do for the best here, so we decide that barking lots will help the situation. Meanwhile, Owner finds a very pretty long haired white fluffy cat with tight net twisted around its throat and legs. It is unable to move, is petrified, is bleeding and is trying to eat its own leg to try desperately to free itself. Owner is not really a moggy person, but is most definitely a rescue an animal kind of person.

Owner shouts to a neighbour for help and the neighbour rushes back with scissors. As soon as Owner cuts one bit of net away, she finds more and more net hidden under the fur. Cat is so tired and sore it isn’t really fighting or struggling. In fact, Owner said the only reason she knew it was still ok was that it was still yowling…..

Owner was still working in a very tiny confined space, but eventually cut all the net away. She pulled the cat up and put it on her shoulder at which point it started purring for a while….but then owner couldn’t actually climb out the awkward space with the cat. Hmm, big problem then. Huge problem actually because Owner feeds me, and Tula is bigger than me so I cant eat HER. Anyhooo, when the rabbit went to the carrot patch in the sky it left behind it’s vet carrier box. So neighbour rescued the box and poor kitty was put in the box, which enabled owner to make her wobbly clamber up one ladder with the kitty in one hand and sort of leap to the other ladder avoiding breaking the fence and probably her neck too. I was pretty glad to see her because there was rusty nails everywhere and god forbid she should injure her can opening arm. Kitty is SO happy to be in the box it says “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL"
How does something that small make so much noise? At first I thought it would be great to keep it as a toy but even I had enough of the noise at this point.

Well, Owner takes kitty to the vet, and vet says kitty is going to live. Kitty has a leg it cant stand on, but it’s not broken, it’s just sore from being tangled up in a funny position. A bit like Owner when she can’t sleep and gets all tied up in bedclothes and annoys Tula by wriggling about. So then Owner comes home and has to find who actually owns Yowling Kitty. Although, quite frankly, I’m surprised everyone within a 10 mile radius don’t know where Yowling Kitty is. So how does Owner find where Yowling Kitty lives? She knock on the door of every 5th house in the area until she finds someone who points her to the place where a long haired white cat lives. And inside the house was a very worried lady who cried when Owner told her that Yowling Kitty was OK and not squished. Which was all well and good and daredevil Owner was intact. Except now I seem to have another visitor on the other side of the fence trying to say “Thank you”……

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*Minxster puts paws over ears*

Watch the Birdy.....

Well Owner has been very busy so I haven’t been up to my usual amount of adventures recently. But Spring has sprung which had caused all manner of havoc at Tula Towers. Strangely, Owner has decided that brown doors should be white doors. I have no idea why this would be important but apparently it “JUST IS.” A long and well thought out argument there. So Owner trots off to her local DIY store and buys a big tin of white gloss. For most people who have met me, the words “white gloss” and “Minxster” are a combination that should never ever go together.

Much to Owners great surprise (and losing a £10 bet in the process) it was NOT me who managed to run through the house with white gloss on my paws. And sadly for Tula the Perfect dog, the evidence was still on her paws. So whilst Owner was on her hands and knees pointing at the carpet and telling Tula the Perfect dog that she had really let the side down, I decided to have a snooze in the sunny patch by the big window in the back room. Or so I thought.

Next to my lug hole came a “tappity tap” noise, but when I opened my eyes there was nothing there. Owner and Tula were still deep in conversation (although it did seem pretty one sided). So I rolled on my back, and drifted off again only to be woken by a more insistent tapping. Outside was a bird, that spent the next week tapping on the window seemingly whenever it got bored. At first I barked my head off at it, but over the next week I discovered that this made not a jot of difference. Except that sometimes it waved its wings too.

To be honest I thought Birdy was a bit of a nuisance, but the whole household got used to it bouncing and tapping and waving on a regular basis. That is, until one evening when Birdy was tweeting and waving at me and I spotted a miniature tabby tiger creeping down the garden – and it wasn’t thinking friendly thoughts. Birdy was so busy jumping and waving and tweeting that even when I started bouncing up and down I think Birdy thought it had turned into a two-way game.

Luckily Tula realised that the door was open and went tearing down the garden after the cat. By the time Owner wandered out to see what was going on, we had the cat cornered half way up a tree. Owner went out and shouted at the cat that she didn’t want it trying to eat the birds and would it kindly shove off. The cat obviously took this as a threat and went to the very top of the tree where is promptly got stuck. Had it been Christmas it would have made a pretty good ornament if it would have had a couple of wings stuck on its back, but it was Easter so seasonally incongruous. Tula and I had got fairly bored at this point due to the stalemate situation, until Owner decided to try to rescue the cat, who in thanks, then arched its back, hissed and spat at Owner. This was obviously and attempt to attack and maim Owner so we both felt it was important to look fierce at the bottom of the tree. In retrospect this probably didn’t help the now stuck and petrified cat. We were removed back inside the house while Owner tried to work out what to do about the stuck cat. It started to go dark. We could still see the silhouette of the cat from the window and Owner started to feel quite sorry for the cat - but it wasn't moving. At this point it started to hail huge hail stones at which point the cat decided that being stuck AND pelted wasn’t much fun so it scampered down the tree and was off into the darkness.

And after that great shock, what has happened to Birdy? Absolutely nothing, the annoying blighter is still tapping away but now we are all on guard patrol to make sure it doesn’t get eaten. Although the cat is probably reluctant to return after being chased by a Schnauzer covered in white gloss. It certainly made Owner scream when she saw Tula doing her best Dalmatian impression. For once, I’m not in the dog house. But I’m sure I can change that given enough time....