Harsh, but Fur....

Someone call the RSPCA. Owner is trying to freeze me and drown me. I’m not sure exactly what I have done wrong – there are so many things to choose from, but it must have been reeeeeeeeeally bad.

It was raining this morning, so rather than go out for my usual bounce and charge over the sand dunes, owner got a table out and called us both for a GROOM. Occasionally when we are out people ask owner who grooms us, and she says she does. When they ask where she trained, she says “At the School of Being Too Broke to Take The Dogs to a PROPER Groomer”. Well, I don’t know where this school is but I can tell you their customer service training is rubbish. Owner got the clippers out and whizzed my coat off so it’s all cold and brrrrrr –like. And just as I was wondering if the reduction is weight would help me to catch more rabbits, owner waved some chicken at me and scarpered upstairs. Fast as a fast thing, I charged after her and discovered myself trapped in the bathroom with a grinning Owner. I was picked up (there was much grunting and groaning from Owner at this point, so Owner needs to get to the gym more often) and put in the bath tub. Owner jumped in, and then turned the shower on. Bubbles flew everywhere and then I was dumped back out on the floor. I smelt like a vet’s surgery, but Owner said that the shampoo made me smell gorgeous. Shampoo? What was wrong with smelling of stale fish and REAL poo??? Anyhow, while Tula the perfect dog was being conned into the drowning machine I escaped between Owner’s legs and out the door. I must admit, that the idea of watching Tula the Perfect Dog being drowned was quite appealing, but the idea of being drowned for a second time was NOT. Well, Owner’s bedroom was straight across the landing so off I pottered. There was some dry clothes hanging over the radiator so I pressed my head into those and pushed my body along them to dry those bits that are hard to get too. Handily the clothes landed on the floor, so that gave me something warm to wriggle on to sort my wet back. But really, the short hair and the bathroom dunking left me a bit cold so I needed to warm ALL of me. So I came up with the stunning idea of getting INTO Owner’s bed, which was very comfy and just the job for a few ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzs.
About ten minutes later I was awoken by Owner who was not so impressed by my Giant Schnauzer Dry Cleaning Invention. Turns out she had JUST WASHED THAT! (Me? Or the Bed?) and for some reason this meant it was bad that I had wriggled all over it. Probably cos I made it smell of the nasty shampoo (HA! ). Tula the Perfect Dog had a few words to exchange too, so there was much barking and bouncing off furniture for about ten minutes until Owner announced she was GETTING A HEADACHE. I can’t wait until tomorrow so I can roll about in dead seagulls and mud so I can show Owner just how beautiful a Giant Schnauzer can really smell.

Minxster train-ing

It has been a very adventuresome day for me today. My Owner selfishly went to work for a couple of hours and when she came back she remembered she needed to go to the shops to return a can full of stuff that turns her orange. Or in this case, she staggered around looking like an Orangutang until the gunk dried, and as soon as she took a shower she was back to her normal slightly scary pale colour. She says she needs to put it on so her legs don’t scare her dance students when she has her shorts on. But if I saw someone with legs that look like an orange and white Bumble Bee, I’d be petrified….
Enough with the social commentary. So when Owner came home I thought I was in for an afternoon of finding interesting positions to nap in, annoying Tula the Perfect One or Bin Destruction. But Owner got our leads out! Most unexpected given that we had already had a long walk where I almost behaved. Well Owner pulled out a red and white spotted scarf that looked like it should be in pantomime on the end of a stick with all one’s worldly belongings inside…and knotted it firmly around Tula the Perfect Dog’s neck. I was sniggering away to myself when the most horrendous thing happened. OWNER PUT ME IN A JUMPER. A bright red jumper with a black paw print on the side. There was no time for rolling about to get it off, Owner was out the door with 2 surprised Giant Schnauzers being marched along.
We went along a busy road, which I am trying to get used to, although I don’t particularly like a lot of traffic. And then we went in a building and down some stairs…..and a huge big thing came thundering along some rails and swallowed all the people waiting on the other side! It was very shocking for a Minxster but particularly when one arrived on our side and I was expected to get on. Are you kidding me??? Tula the perfect dog got on, but I spread my paws out so I couldn’t be moved. Owner picked me up and plopped me inside which was the second most humiliating thing to happen after THE JUMPER. Lots of people looked at us on the train and I’m sure one or two were sniggering but owner said we looked LOVELY. Oh please. If you think it’s so lovely why don’t you wear it Owner.
Wandering around the shops was full of interesting stuff like food on the floor, pigeons who cant run properly who were within Minxster radius, small children waving sweets around and a lady who came over and said we were adorable so went to buy us some treats. Owner said she thought she should have put a hat on the floor, and then she could have sat cross legged and collected donations from all the people who wanted to make a fuss of us both. It’s the jumper, I swear.
We also bumped into a Norwegian lady who had a 13 year old Giant called Tanya in Norway, then shortly afterwards we met a family who have a Giant called Lucy and a mini called Pippa. My Owner tried to give us away to this family in exchange for a few quid, but luckily she was only joking and said she couldn’t live without us.
On the way home a FANTASTIC thing happened. The man sat near use ATE A PORK PIE. We both watched very very carefully as he ate it, and he gave us some funny looks but strangely didn’t give us any to eat. But it kept us both very busy until our stop, and the return journey was much less scary for a little Giant Schnauzer. It was very cold when we got off the train so I was rather happy I had THE JUMPER on. So Minxster has now conquered trains, without peeing on it, barking the entire journey or bouncing off the walls. It just remains for me to empty the bin all over the lounge to teach my Owner not to dress me up.

Wobbly few days....

It has been a wobbly few days here at Palace du Tula. Firstly, there has been the weather. As a Minxster there is nothing better than bouncing through the snow and then all over owner. But the snow is now ice, and my 4wd is obviously a bit faulty cos there have been a few rear end skids that have resulted in me stopping a little more suddenly than I was intending. Owner was very concerned and held her hand over her mouth whilst snorting and shaking, which I presume means she was worried about my welfare. Owner declared that it was DANGEROOOOOS outside and she wasn’t risking her neck for the entertainment of watching me do a starfish impression. Owner obviously forgot just how bored a little Giant Schnauzer can get, so there has been many varied games I have come up with like:

• Ripping up newspaper and shredding it


• Eating the rabbit’s food.


• Trying to eat the rabbit.


• Waiting until Tula the Perfect dog is asleep, taking hold of the corner of the sofa throw and tugging to see if she falls off


• Running off with Owner’s socks


• Trying to sleep on top of Tula.


• Hiding behind the bathroom door when Owner is DOING STUFF in the bathroom then barking at her when she comes out

But Owner had other things on her mind. A couple of years ago she lost her beautiful labrador to cancer. The first indication that he had any illness was that he had a tumour in his anal gland. Owner was very sad when it was time for him to leave her and she still has pictures of the BEAUTIFUL BOY WHO BROKE MY HEART all over the house. So, when Owner found a lump in the same place when grooming Tula the Perfect Dog she was WORRIED. It came at a very bad time, because Owner is usually at home with us most of the time, but it happened during a few days when she had lots of meetings and couldn’t do anything. The funny thing was, when Owner tried to sleep she had nightmares, and when she woke up she seemed to mis-remember the little lump as being a huge lump the size of a cannonball. Owner kept getting very sad but today she got Tula the Perfect Dog to the vet. Fighting back the tears, the took the Tula in, and was told that there was a little fluid, which was sorted in about five seconds, and Tula the perfect dog happily trotted out with a clean bill of health. Owner came home and sat on the sofa with us Giants on either side saying I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH DON’T EVER GET ILL. And then we got a treat. Presumably this means we have been trying really hard not to be ill so we get rewarded for that. I was just pleased I didn’t get the vet’s cold hand up my bottom too thanks to my Owner’s dog illness paranoia. I may even try to sneak on Owner’s bed for a cosy night’s sleep on the back of her relief. If I can manage to look REALLY pitiful…..
　

Ode to a Norty Schnauzer (oh no, it's POETRY)

What a Minxster Wishes for....

　
All I want is a nice warm bed,
Somewhere safe to rest my head,
A bit of love and a friendly hug,
And in the winter a fire with a fireside rug,
But maybe I want my owner’s bed,
And as a trampoline I can use my owners head
Because human sleep is over rated
I will wake her up every hour as stated
I will search the house for Uggs she hides
And when I get them they will become my finds
A chomp and a chew makes Minxster happy
Strangely it makes my owner snappy
No fence on earth will keep me in,
No kitchen safe especially the bin
Whose contents are spread over the floor
From the back of the house through to the front door.
Socks on floors are there for me,
Carpet is there to soak up wee,
Doors are just obstacles so I can get out
And leave owner panic-struck I have no doubt
But owner don’t worry I will soon be back
Common sense I have although brains I lack
So I know my life is good with you,
Because you love me through and through.
(God knows why though.)

In Dis Grace

Apparently I am in Dis Grace. Which is silly because I am actually on the bed. It has fresh new bedcovers on, which makes it even better to dry myself on after a snowy walk. But owner is already pretty bloomin' furious so it will only be a short blog today....

Firstly its not all my fault, both owner and Tula the perfect dog are also to blame so don't pin it all on the little Minxster. Owner was doing VERY IMPORTANT WORK so that's quite boring for a little Minxster. Yawn, yawn, yawn emails, project briefs (are these like pants?), strategic thingies but no walk. Apparently Owner says it was because "Only Torville and Dean would go out in this" but I don't know who this is, but I'm presuming it's a pair of Mini Schnauzers (pesky Minis, Owner says they are VERY CUTE, which is worrying, I really don't want to share the sofa with ANOTHER dog). But later in the afternoon it looks sunny so owner puts on scarves and 2 pairs of gloves and 2 coats and a hat and really there isn't much owner lets to see apart from a pair of eyes peering out. I bounce down the road a bit like Tigger, but this causes some screaming from Owner who does a very funny dance behind me with her arms waving and her feet skidding. We pass a large group of loud teenagers who play music at me through their mobile phones. Tula the perfect dog tried to eat one of the phones and the teenagers squeal and yell "Thats Bang Out of Order" but Owner just sniggers.

The field is full of heather and tall prickly gorse which makes it a fabulous place to find rabbits (yum!) but yet again stupid owner has but bells around my neck which give the rabbits an advance warning. But it means there is lots and lots of undergrowth so Owner can't always see us. Well, I was so excited to be out, and I knew Owner wanted to cheat me out of a proper walk, so I skiddadled......gone like the wind.....faster than a speeding bullet. But to be fair, so did Tula the Perfect dog.....in the opposite direction. So Owner was left in the middle of a snowy, icy field, at about 5 degrees below freezing, screaming our names. Owner could hear the bells on our collar, so knew we were not lost, but neither one of us fancied returning. Owner stopped yelling, and instead sneaked up on the nearest bell sound (lucky it wasn't one of Santa's reindeer, then there would have been some explaining to do) and launched herself like a hangglider overhead....suddenly I was captured, and no amount of wriggling got me free. I was shoved back on my lead, given a biscuit to bribe me, then told off for not coming back (crumbs, Ceaser Milan please help my poor confused owner) and I was DRAGGED, DRAGGED I tell you through the heather until my owner realised I had turned into the fabled Snow dog of the Scottish Borders....After removing about a foot of snow from my head, my owner continued screaming her head off to get Tula the Not Quite So Perfect As Usual dog back. Anyhooo, Owner tracked Tula too and she promptly got lassooed too. We were marched home with much I AM GOING TO BUY A SPRAY COLLAR FOR YOU TWO AND THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY from Owner. Tula the Perfect Until Very Recently dog promptly sat down and did her 'I'm not going anywhere if you are going to be grumpy and you can't make me' refusal to move. Unlike usual when Owner then has to spend some time persuading Her Majesty that it actually would be good to move cos people are laughing, Tula just slid along the floor and gave up her protest. So we both lost out on an after walk biscuit treat, but Owner did give us both a big hug because she doesn't like being apart from her Ladies. Hopefully Owner has learnt a lesson that recall is an optional request to a Giant Schnauzer, not a command.

Is that a Labradoodle? Or a Kerry Blue?

No, I am not, thanks for asking. A Kerry Blue is notoriously difficult to train and I am perfectly happy to do as I am told (providing it is what I was intending to do anyhow….). My owner does insist on attaching bells to my collar so she can hear which direction I have disappeared to, because sometimes when she yells for me to return, well other stuff is just a bit more interesting….particularly if it is (or was) rabbit shaped. Whereas Tula the perfect dog will chase a rabbit via a Ninja like sneaky stealth approach, I work on the kangaroo approach, which involves jumping high into the air and splatting down on undergrowth, brambles and thorns until something runs out (or maybe just gets flattened, you never know). At this point I make a high pitch squealing noise but strangely the rabbits seem to disappear into thin air somewhere close to these BIG HOLES. At this point I go to have a look where I first found the rabbit in case it has gone back there and is waiting for me.
Although I can run faster than a fast thing moving fast, I don’t often catch a rabbit. But sometimes I manage to find one that is already dead, often with a head or some legs missing. This is an opportunity to take it back to my owner who shrieks loudly, obviously because it’s such a nice thing to bring her. We can either play three way tug of war with Tula while my owner says "DROPIT DROPIT Oh my god I’m vegetarian please just drop the horrible thing before I vomit" or sometimes, if it’s busy, she walks ahead and pretends I’m not her dog while I trot behind with it swinging about…..Interestingly my owner also has a pet rabbit. When I first moved in here I enjoyed staring at it just in case it fell out of the cage, but for some reason it doesn’t want to play with me. Damn.
People often stop us and ask what I am. I am a dog, silly! I am still a slightly peculiar shape though cos my owner trims me herself and I hate anyone trimming my face. My hair was quite short when I moved into Palace du Tula, and growing out a beard is a LOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG process. So my face looks a bit scruffy. I also had a lady operation a few months ago, so I have a patch of short hair on my leg and on my tum. And due to my undergrowth bouncing I am usually covered in sticky buds. This resulted in owners relative saying "OMG have you seen the scabby ear on your dog?". Luckily my owner didn’t smack them in the teeth, but instead removed the sticky buds, causing the relative to think she had just ripped a massive scab off my ear. She turned a very funny colour, but luckily I was there to lick her face and chew thoughtfully at her coat. After my owner grooms lots of sticky buds off me, its fun to either sniff them again or roll in them, it makes owner say "Why do I bother?" but of course if she doesn’t remove them I roll on her bed so they stick on her duvet. Tula the perfect dog also gets sticky buds, and if they are not taken out immediately then her majesty will pull them out, leaving huge tufts of hair all around her to TEACH OWNER A LESSON for not doing as she has been trained. Owner dislikes this because every single strand of Tula’s hair is a treasured item. Unless she has rolled in fox poo, ha ha ha.
Another thing people ask is if we are related. I presume they mean me and Tula cos owner is bald all over her body – her fur must have fallen out, although she still has big eyebrows. Sadly her beard hasn’t grown on her face either so she can’t drip water all over people after having a drink (often). Tula is related to me via her grandfather although you wouldn’t really think so to look at us both. Tula is more stocky and broad, I am quite slim – although I have put some weight on since I came here – I was very very slim when I arrived, despite the lady who looked after me trying to get some weight on me too. It may be that I will bulk up a little bit as I get a bit older, but my nice German vet keeps saying I am a perfect weight (but then she does something very peculiar with a thermometer so we won’t dwell on that). So in reply to the original question, I am, and always will be, a Giant Schnauzer…..and as a breed we are very good at search and rescue. Particularly if it is a rabbit we are looking for. Although the rescue bit may need some work…… ;-D

Minxster the Naughty Giant Jan 2010

Well, it appears I have my own blog, which is very clever of me because I don't have opposable thumbs. A bit about me - I am a 3 year old Giant Schnauzer, my owner (that's her bashing her head against a wall) wanted to rescue an elderly male Giant as a companion to her other Giant Schnauzer, Tula. But a kind lady rehomed me because I was in a very unhappy situation *cries a bit* and she knew that I would make a fabulous buddy for Tula (who is perfect in every way). She also knew my owner was a bit of a sucker, and wouldn't throw me out just because my hobbies include single handedly destroying the house, standing on tables, climbing sofas, jumping over glass, pulling items off the top of a book shelf, barking at animals on the TV, and my personal favourite, howling at 3am, 4am and 5am until my owner lets me on her bed or gives up and gets up. I like to growl at her when she makes me my food - it keeps her on her toes. But mostly and bestestly, I like to wait until my owner is alseep on the sofa and curl up on top of her, snuggling my head under her chin. Although those of you who are slightly more suspicious may think this is a ploy just so I keep a roof under my head. But I do adore Tula, who is older and wiser, (and also makes a damn good agility jump when I am in a bouncy mood), I love going out for walks (I particularly enjoy picking up random lost gloves and bringing them home), and owner's son, who, when he isn't being grumpy, shares my bed, oops I mean his bed.

Welcome to blogger followers who want to keep up with my tales of destruction.

Minxster xxx