Monday, 18 July 2011

Minxster gets a new Father.

Well, it has been quite some time since I got my paws on the old netbook. Tula the Perfect Dog is, annoyingly, still perfect and Owner still worships her. For some reason Owner doesn’t appreciate the things I do for her, like eating the old sofa so she could treat herself to a new one, helping to defrost loaves of bread in my stomach, playing find and seek (and munch) with a seemingly never ending series of remote controls... and my latest trick, showing Owner how much I care for her by refusing to get out of the car after a morning walk when she wants to go to work.

But something HORRENDOUS has happened. Owner brought some bloke home. Don’t get me wrong, he’s quite a nice chap, and even has a beard so he looks a bit like Tula. But Owner goes all gooey over him in a most unsettling way, quite frankly. On the plus side, when he stays over there’s an extra pair of socks for me to whizz and add to my collection, which also leaves him looking a bit puzzled when he tries to find his socks in the morning. Anyhoo, Tula the Perfect Dog and I were rather hoping he would sling his hook and leave US getting all the attention, but no, it turns out annoying chap is SPECIAL.

Annoying Chap and Owner were apparently married (I think this is some king of punishment for bad behaviour) for many years and then broke up for no good reason that either of them can think of now. So Annoying Chap and Grumpy Child (who is now 6ft 2ins) are best buddies too, which means on the plus side, Owner, Annoying Chap and Grumpy Child sometimes sit up watching the TV box in the evening (that's me looking at Owner on the TV at the top of the blog). Owner usually falls fast asleep which gives a perfect opportunity to clamber up and snore my head off whilst resting on Owners shoulder. Sometimes Tula the Perfect Dog shoves her cold nose in Owner’s face just to check she is OK and this gives such a loud reaction that both of us can see where Grumpy Child got his Grump from.

Initially Annoying Chap was a bit surprised to find a dog that can do an impersonation of a Harrier Jump Jet to clear 5ft fences, but he is used to me now, which also means Owner has some company when I decide to run off on a walk, and they can both scream for me together, which must be nice for her.

Sometimes Annoying Chap plays the guitar, which can be fairly alarming to a Handbag Sized Giant, particularly on high notes. On the plus side, I suspect the guitar will taste pretty good, and it is only a matter of time before it is left unguarded. Annoying Chap also likes to take video footage of me because thinks I make some funny noises (who doesn’t go “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” when their breakfast is being made?), and he will share a sofa with me, so he isn’t ALL bad. He also forgets I can get a dish out the sink, which has made for a good few tasty snacks of things I am not supposed to eat, although sometimes this means I need to go to the garden VERY QUICKLY.

Anyhoo, unless someone can get shut of him for me, it seems Owner is going to have him about stealing some of our space, so he’d better learn whose boss quickly, I can tell you. But I’m not telling you whether that’s Owner or Tula...... :D

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Three Go Mad in Scotland....

Three Go Mad In Scotland
Mmmmmmmmm smell that fresh air! Look at that countryside! Minxster goes wild in Scotland. Owner manages to have an entirely posh English accent yet claims Scottish country of origin. Entertainingly, after about 4 days back in Scotland, Owner says things like “Nae bother” and “Wee snack put ooooot on ta floor doooogies”. And after a few days back in England the accent has gone. Most peculiar. Maybe if I went to Germany I would have an accent, too.

Anyhoo. Owner took us out to the butchers, WE LOVE THE BUTCHER HE RULES!!!!, and we got some yummy raw Scottish beef mince to eat, and the butcher (who loves us too) gave owner a HUGE bag with raw bones in. Owner, being vegetarian, served us our tea whilst gagging at all the lumps and bumps and blood. I reckon what she needs is Systematic Desensitisation so being a very helpful little dog I quite often like to run after Owner with a bit of dead animal hanging out of my mouth while Owner squeals. I might bury a raw chicken wing in her bed to help her along.

We like to go walking round South West Scotland – Port Logan, Glenluce, Stairhaven, Stranraer – although Owner’s favourite walks are usually in woodland or towards St Helena’s Island next to the river. It does get crowded during tourist season and we can see as many as one or possibly two other people during a two hour walk. The rabbits are BIG here with very very long legs, and obviously Owner knows them well because she calls them all ‘dear’. Tula and I quite often track their scent, but the long legged rabbits are very canny and not nearly as stupid as the small ones we normally catch. When we have had a long ambling walk we unfold the sofa bed and all three of us snooze until Grumpy child tells us he is HUNGRY and needs FEEDING. I don’t know how he works up an appetite – maybe pressing buttons on his Xbox 360 handset is very hard exercise.

During this holiday we went to Sandhead. The bay was very calm, and our good friend Morgan the Mad Labby went piling into the sea and decided to try digging up stones underfoot. Just in case it was a pork chop or similar, Tula and I went charging into the sea. However, there was a BIG DIP right next to where Morgan the Mad Labby was playing to Tula the Perfect Dog and I suddenly sank up to our necks in the sea. Both of us were fairly startled, but after this experience I decided to play boinging through the waves. Tula was cross that she had got soggy so she chased the seagulls in lieu of bunnies. We tried a similar trip to Port Logan a couple of days later but to Owner’s horror there was 3 ft wide red/ orange jellyfish on the beach. I was up for trying to taste one, but Owner is petrified of jellyfish. Luckily none of them came running after us so we escaped with our lives.

When we got home Tula the Perfect Dog found her newly operated on toe was bothering her. She is now having to be re-operated on. Tula the Perfect Dog is frankly quite a nuisance with a lampshade on her head. She uses it like a battering ram so you have to be fast to get out of her way. After a while I got sick of her whinging about her toe, so I decided to help her by licking it for her as she couldn’t reach. Genius. Except Owner didn’t think so. She slapped her own forehead and told us that the two of us working in cahoots together could be very bad news. And then she poured herself a glass of wine. But deep down, she loves having us about because life is never boring when you share it with a Giant Schnauzer or two……

Sunday, 18 July 2010

A Very Short Blog

Just to say I just won 'Prettiest Bitch' at a dog show today. I did check to make sure I won, rather than Owner, but no, it was me. I got a big trophy. Well some may call it a ceramic dog bowl, but we quibble over terms. Oh yeah, and IN YOUR FACE TULA HA HA HA HA.

Owner apparently takes up trying to kill herself for fun

I am a very confused little Minxster. Recently Owner has had a birthday, which seems to have been followed by a mid-life crisis. On her birthday she was supposed to fly into the sky in a big picnic basket held up by a balloon, which, if you ask me, is a fairly stupid thing to do. There isn’t ANY food in the picnic basket, so I’m not sure what the point is. This was cancelled (phew!) due to windy weather so Tula the perfect dog and I slept soundly knowing Owner had stopped her stupidity.

However, the next morning Owner left out a leaflet entitled “Diving with Sharks”, and on the cover was a fish a bit like the ones in my pond but with many more teeth and considerably bigger. So when Owner chucked a swimming costume in her bag and set the Sat “Almost in the right vicinity” Nav for Blue Planet – this is an aquarium, and nothing to do with Adult reading material – Tula and I were concerned.

Several hours later Owner came home, sopping wet (eurgh!) with camera footage of her swimming a couple of feet away from sharks WITH NO CAGE IN SIGHT. I was a bit worried that Owner was thinking about bringing the shark home as a new pet given the recent demise of the bunny, but Tula the Perfect Dog felt this unlikely given the basic physics that the shark was bigger than our pond. Anyhooo, Owner was back home, and her can opening hand was still attached so all was good. Even better, Owner came home with her Sofa Snoozing Brother and Brother Who We Growl At For No Reason. Tula the Perfect dog invented the Growl at Brother game which is great fun. Every time Brother leaves the room and comes back in we growl at him and make him jump. It doesn’t work on Sofa Snoozing Brother because he is so laid back, and sadly he slept in a bedroom so I wasn’t even able to gently awake him with a cold wet nose in the ear.

Next day, Owner, both Brothers and Grumpy Child were up early, as they had decided to throw themselves out of trees on bits of string at Go Ape . By this time Tula the Perfect Dog really was quite furious at Owner a) going out without her and b) trying to injure or kill herself for no good reason. So when Sofa Snoozing Brother went out with Owner to take us for a walk before setting for Go Ape, Tula the Perfect Dog took the opportunity to break rank and run for the hills. Given that Owner hadn’t left as much time as she should to journey to Go Ape, this was a bit of a problem. No amount of screaming, whistling, shouting, waving biscuits or pretending to walk away would bring her back. I sat smugly eating biscuits, when suddenly a monster from the deep appeared over the hill. Actually we had some warning; we could smell it before we saw it.

Tula the Smelly Dog wad found what could be described as the contents of an upset stomach from a fox, and had rolled about in it, covering herself from eyebrows to toes all down one side in a thick layer of stinky poo. Owner decided to put her on a lead, but the collar was covered in poo. At about this second when Owner was bent down, Tula the Stinky Dog decided she would shake herself, and covered Owner in poo from head to toe. Both Sofa Snoozing Brother and I, who had distanced ourselves from stinky Tula, thought this was perhaps the funniest thing we had ever seen, but our amusement was not shared by Owner who was NOT IMPRESSED. Owner covered Tula the Stinky Dog in loose sand to cover the stench a bit, and we traipsed off home. Tula was attached to the garden table and cleaned WITH A GARDEN HOSE. No nice warm bubbly water. Owner then went to get washed and changed before going to Go Ape despite the delay Tula had caused. Bah, another plan failed.

Owner showed off at Go Ape apparently, and got told off for completing a 200-meter zip wire upside down. This may have caused some stress to the small child behind her, however, because he refused to move after seeing Owner whizzing along a wire with her feet in the air. The child sat fast at the top of the wire, thus stopping all the people behind him from moving forward. At the point Owner left, about 2 hours later, small child was still refusing to budge. Who knows, he could still be up there now….

When Owner came home, it seemed that either rolling about or being damp from the hose wash cause poor ol’ Tula to be a bit creaky in the hip department. A few days later she went to the vet and got some Metacam, which is an anti-inflammatory. Tula started bouncing about again as usual; a bit too much, cos she has now ripped a nail, and according to the vet, she is booked in for a “Hop” under Anna Sthetik. She must be a new vet. Meanwhile Tula has a stupid lampshade around her head which means I can creep up behind her to annoy her, which is probably more life risking than any of Owner’s activities.

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Bed and Breakfast...

I like sleeping. On top of Owner’s bed, on top of Grumpy child, on top of Owner, sometimes on top of Tula The Perfect Dog (although you have to be fast moving if Tula decides she is getting fed up of being squashed…). I mean, eating is good, particularly the big box of Fish4Dogs doggy treats which was about £25. Who left the entire box within climbing range of the Minxster? Well, I’m not sure, but whoever it was I’m a big fan. And Owner was very happy too because she said “For crying out loud those were to last both of you at least 3 weeks!”. So by eating them within a very short time frame it has saved Owner the terrible worry of where to store all the treats. The answer is: in my stomach.

But once the eating has finished it is time for the sleeping. Owner has been fairly tired recently, I have no idea why (although she keeps frowning at me when she says she is tired) and has thus fallen asleep on the sofa on several occasions. By waiting until Owner makes a noise like a saw mill, a careful Minxster can climb over the arm of the sofa and snuggle up next to Owner. Not the top end though, just in case Owner drools on me in her sleep. Eurgh. Sometimes Tula The Perfect Dog beats me to it, which isn’t a problem. You just wait until both Owner and Tula The Perfect Dog are asleep then bash them both with your paw until they wake up, and hopefully they blame each other.

Owner doesn’t sleep as well in her bed as she appears to on the sofa. Apparently when I sleep outside her door and decide to have an ear scratch fest at 3am which rattles the door like a juggernaut is coming through, and add to that my “RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrRRRRR” conversation to let Owner know I have the EXACT right place to itch, it doesn’t help Owner to sleep. Strange. With this in mind, I came upstairs one day to find Tula The Perfect Dog has a new bed that looks like a deluxe off the ground double hammock with a massive duvet on top. Tula and I went to sniff it, we put a paw on it, then Tula ignored it and got on Owner’s bed, whilst I helped by pulling the duvet back off the new contraption. Meanwhile, Owner had washed my nice old smelly duvet and put the new yucky smelling one inside a soft dog bed and pushed it as hard as possible against her door as a sort of sound proofing device. This was easily sorted by pulling the duvet out of this bed too, and gave an excellent opportunity to eat a bit of duvet and scatter some foam about over the landing and down the stairs as a treat for Owner when she woke up. A winter wonderland in the middle of summer, what a thoughtful little hand bag sized Giant I am.

It took Tula The Perfect Dog 4 days before she caved and started using her new bed. I won’t go near it as I think it is a secret torture device that may eat me if I sit on it. I have decided to sleep on either side of my new soft bed, but won’t yet risk going IN the bed overnight. Tula The Perfect Dog is happy to roll about in it, but I’m not so sure. Owner carefully places me in the bed at night, but as soon as she shuts the door I creep out and lie on the carpet instead. Besides it makes a much better noise when I scratch if I can get myself flat against the door without the stupid bed in the way…..and if owner is tired, well maybe she will fall asleep on the couch again and we will all be happy. I noticed Owner has bought some interesting devices called “ear plugs” the other day, but as yet, I haven’t had the opportunity to eat them. Don’t worry, I will update you as soon as I do.....

Sunday, 25 April 2010

I'm not small, I'm handbag sized...

I’m not small, I’m handbag sized….

What a day. I was recovering from yesterday when Owner came home and THREATENED me by putting a raw lamb kidney in my food bowl (dear god mum do I look like a lion?) when my dragged me out for a walk really, really early this morning. Owner, Tula the Perfect Dog and I were all yawning, but Owner was shouting “Run! Run like the wind! Chase ALL the rabbits!”. This sudden change in behaviour was strange even for Owner who is really quite potty. So when we got home and it was time for my apres walk snooze, Owner chucked me in the back of the car with Tula and drove into the distance.

I woke to some loud discussion between Owner (driving) and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages who were both yelling at the small device that is supposed to tell Owner how to get to places, but usually it gets us to the general area rather than specifically to where Owner wants to go. Instead of saying “You have reached your final destination” it should probably say “I have taken you as close as I can be bothered, I suggest you now get out an A-Z or ask someone to direct you”. Anyhow, Owner took us on a lovely 20 min detour that brought us to where we wanted to go – about 2 mins from the original place we stopped in Llandudno.

As Giant Schnauzers we enjoy the fact that lots of people stop us and make a fuss of us because we are a fairly unusual breed. So imagine our surprise when there was 9 Giant Schnauzers all waiting for us to arrive! Although, when I realised I was the smallest by some considerable margin I was slightly put out. Luckily there was a fabulously friendly white Mini Schnauzer and a brave but annoyingly cute puppy mini (oh come on people, stop looking at the gorgeous pup and look at ME) so by hanging around near them I still looked BIG. Tula the Perfect Dog flirted with virtually all the dogs but was particularly flirty with a young gentleman named Enzo. She also liked a large dog named Dylan who was quite woofety, but I was a bit more cautious – I prefer men my own size *winks at Otto*

I am normally a bit cautious around larger dogs, but actually as time went on I went to say hello to all the dogs, even the loud ones, and they were all really friendly with me. Which was all good, but there was a distinct lack of rabbits to chase. What to do? Ah, but Minxsters are very good at improvisation. And sure enough, there was some dead crab to munch on while Owner and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages both went “Euuuuurrrgh…”.

Afterwards we were invite to JoniwhoownsDylanandLayla’s hotel ( where I had a good nosey about and settled in the corner with Tula the Perfect Dog. If you ever want a break this hotel comes with a Minxster stamp of approval. Anyhoo, the boring hoomans started talking (blah blah blah) and poor Joni tried to cater for my Owner. Now, anyone who knows my Owner knows that woman can eat as an Olympic event. She started with a Caffitiere of coffee – bad move! Once the coffee starts flowing Owner gets very possessive about her cuppa. And it was, apparently very, very good coffee. So the first cup went in and Owner walloped down a couple of HUGE egg and watercress sandwiches faster than Tula can leap on the chair on top of me if I try to steal her spot. And that’s FAST. Then some home made cinnamon buns came out and Owner was in there like a lion at a gazelle. I was a bit scared to be honest, and made sure I kept all my paws away from her mouth just in case. By the time Owner was on her third cup, having alarmingly found her 2nd cup had been cleared away (OH DEAR GOD PLEEEEZE SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE SHE NOTICES) she had also put away a chocolate eclair and was working through the home made Victoria Sponge that someone had carelessly put next to Owner….. I am wondering to myself exactly where she is putting all this stuff, and maybe she has a secret food pouch….and Joni comes in with raw food for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to eat it, but when Tula polishes off hers and then nicks mine, I am beginning to see why Tula and Owner relate to each other so well. Well, for a change it isn’t ME embarrassing themselves, but Owner. No one else managed to put so much else away, and as Owner is waddling out the door having said goodbye to all our friends, she whizzes a couple of Cinnamon buns to scoff on the way home….I have a cuddle with poor Joni in the hope that I can go someway for making up for Owner’s disgraceful behaviour, and maybe, just MAYBE Joni will let us come back for a holiday rather than shutting the door and hiding in case Owner eats her out of house and home.

So when we get home Owner scoffs one of the remaining buns and changes into her PJs. She scoots off into the bathroom and there is a loud scream. Oh no, I know what that means. Owner has gone on the scales……..I suspect she will be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. Maybe she can scoff the other bun to cheer herself up. Looks like us dogs are not going to be the only giant things in the house at this rate…….

Friday, 16 April 2010



Hello and welcome to my…..


……blog. Well this week….


Ok, lets go into the other room. This week something sad happened. The rabbit died which made Owner very sad as it was nine and a half years old. Tula the Perfect Dog was very sad as she didn’t get to eat it. But it is buried in the garden which could be a future challenge for us.

Today we went out in the garden when the most GODAWFUL noise came from a garden nearby. It sounded a bit like someone was being strangled but louder. Owner came wandering down the garden with her hands over her ears and went for an investigation. It turned out that one of those miniature domestic lions had decided to go break dancing in an old football net in the one foot space behind someone’s garage. There is a garage on one side of the space, and a 7ft fence on all of the other sides. I’m sniggering to myself thinking who on earth would be stupid enough to go down a one foot wide space because they are bound to get stuck, when suddenly a HUGE ladder sticks in the air from next door, and OWNER goes wobbling up the ladder!!! She throws step ladders down the gap and disappears from sight. Tula and I are not sure quite what to do for the best here, so we decide that barking lots will help the situation. Meanwhile, Owner finds a very pretty long haired white fluffy cat with tight net twisted around its throat and legs. It is unable to move, is petrified, is bleeding and is trying to eat its own leg to try desperately to free itself. Owner is not really a moggy person, but is most definitely a rescue an animal kind of person.

Owner shouts to a neighbour for help and the neighbour rushes back with scissors. As soon as Owner cuts one bit of net away, she finds more and more net hidden under the fur. Cat is so tired and sore it isn’t really fighting or struggling. In fact, Owner said the only reason she knew it was still ok was that it was still yowling…..

Owner was still working in a very tiny confined space, but eventually cut all the net away. She pulled the cat up and put it on her shoulder at which point it started purring for a while….but then owner couldn’t actually climb out the awkward space with the cat. Hmm, big problem then. Huge problem actually because Owner feeds me, and Tula is bigger than me so I cant eat HER. Anyhooo, when the rabbit went to the carrot patch in the sky it left behind it’s vet carrier box. So neighbour rescued the box and poor kitty was put in the box, which enabled owner to make her wobbly clamber up one ladder with the kitty in one hand and sort of leap to the other ladder avoiding breaking the fence and probably her neck too. I was pretty glad to see her because there was rusty nails everywhere and god forbid she should injure her can opening arm. Kitty is SO happy to be in the box it says “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL"
How does something that small make so much noise? At first I thought it would be great to keep it as a toy but even I had enough of the noise at this point.

Well, Owner takes kitty to the vet, and vet says kitty is going to live. Kitty has a leg it cant stand on, but it’s not broken, it’s just sore from being tangled up in a funny position. A bit like Owner when she can’t sleep and gets all tied up in bedclothes and annoys Tula by wriggling about. So then Owner comes home and has to find who actually owns Yowling Kitty. Although, quite frankly, I’m surprised everyone within a 10 mile radius don’t know where Yowling Kitty is. So how does Owner find where Yowling Kitty lives? She knock on the door of every 5th house in the area until she finds someone who points her to the place where a long haired white cat lives. And inside the house was a very worried lady who cried when Owner told her that Yowling Kitty was OK and not squished. Which was all well and good and daredevil Owner was intact. Except now I seem to have another visitor on the other side of the fence trying to say “Thank you”……


*Minxster puts paws over ears*