Sunday, 18 July 2010

Owner apparently takes up trying to kill herself for fun


I am a very confused little Minxster. Recently Owner has had a birthday, which seems to have been followed by a mid-life crisis. On her birthday she was supposed to fly into the sky in a big picnic basket held up by a balloon, which, if you ask me, is a fairly stupid thing to do. There isn’t ANY food in the picnic basket, so I’m not sure what the point is. This was cancelled (phew!) due to windy weather so Tula the perfect dog and I slept soundly knowing Owner had stopped her stupidity.

However, the next morning Owner left out a leaflet entitled “Diving with Sharks”, http://sharkdives.blueplanetaquarium.com/shark_encounter/shark_encounter.asp and on the cover was a fish a bit like the ones in my pond but with many more teeth and considerably bigger. So when Owner chucked a swimming costume in her bag and set the Sat “Almost in the right vicinity” Nav for Blue Planet – this is an aquarium, and nothing to do with Adult reading material – Tula and I were concerned.

Several hours later Owner came home, sopping wet (eurgh!) with camera footage of her swimming a couple of feet away from sharks WITH NO CAGE IN SIGHT. I was a bit worried that Owner was thinking about bringing the shark home as a new pet given the recent demise of the bunny, but Tula the Perfect Dog felt this unlikely given the basic physics that the shark was bigger than our pond. Anyhooo, Owner was back home, and her can opening hand was still attached so all was good. Even better, Owner came home with her Sofa Snoozing Brother and Brother Who We Growl At For No Reason. Tula the Perfect dog invented the Growl at Brother game which is great fun. Every time Brother leaves the room and comes back in we growl at him and make him jump. It doesn’t work on Sofa Snoozing Brother because he is so laid back, and sadly he slept in a bedroom so I wasn’t even able to gently awake him with a cold wet nose in the ear.

Next day, Owner, both Brothers and Grumpy Child were up early, as they had decided to throw themselves out of trees on bits of string at Go Ape http://www.goape.co.uk/days-out-in/cheshire/delamere/getting-here . By this time Tula the Perfect Dog really was quite furious at Owner a) going out without her and b) trying to injure or kill herself for no good reason. So when Sofa Snoozing Brother went out with Owner to take us for a walk before setting for Go Ape, Tula the Perfect Dog took the opportunity to break rank and run for the hills. Given that Owner hadn’t left as much time as she should to journey to Go Ape, this was a bit of a problem. No amount of screaming, whistling, shouting, waving biscuits or pretending to walk away would bring her back. I sat smugly eating biscuits, when suddenly a monster from the deep appeared over the hill. Actually we had some warning; we could smell it before we saw it.

Tula the Smelly Dog wad found what could be described as the contents of an upset stomach from a fox, and had rolled about in it, covering herself from eyebrows to toes all down one side in a thick layer of stinky poo. Owner decided to put her on a lead, but the collar was covered in poo. At about this second when Owner was bent down, Tula the Stinky Dog decided she would shake herself, and covered Owner in poo from head to toe. Both Sofa Snoozing Brother and I, who had distanced ourselves from stinky Tula, thought this was perhaps the funniest thing we had ever seen, but our amusement was not shared by Owner who was NOT IMPRESSED. Owner covered Tula the Stinky Dog in loose sand to cover the stench a bit, and we traipsed off home. Tula was attached to the garden table and cleaned WITH A GARDEN HOSE. No nice warm bubbly water. Owner then went to get washed and changed before going to Go Ape despite the delay Tula had caused. Bah, another plan failed.

Owner showed off at Go Ape apparently, and got told off for completing a 200-meter zip wire upside down. This may have caused some stress to the small child behind her, however, because he refused to move after seeing Owner whizzing along a wire with her feet in the air. The child sat fast at the top of the wire, thus stopping all the people behind him from moving forward. At the point Owner left, about 2 hours later, small child was still refusing to budge. Who knows, he could still be up there now….

When Owner came home, it seemed that either rolling about or being damp from the hose wash cause poor ol’ Tula to be a bit creaky in the hip department. A few days later she went to the vet and got some Metacam, which is an anti-inflammatory. Tula started bouncing about again as usual; a bit too much, cos she has now ripped a nail, and according to the vet, she is booked in for a “Hop” under Anna Sthetik. She must be a new vet. Meanwhile Tula has a stupid lampshade around her head which means I can creep up behind her to annoy her, which is probably more life risking than any of Owner’s activities.

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