Three Go Mad in Scotland....

Three Go Mad In Scotland
Mmmmmmmmm smell that fresh air! Look at that countryside! Minxster goes wild in Scotland. Owner manages to have an entirely posh English accent yet claims Scottish country of origin. Entertainingly, after about 4 days back in Scotland, Owner says things like “Nae bother” and “Wee snack put ooooot on ta floor doooogies”. And after a few days back in England the accent has gone. Most peculiar. Maybe if I went to Germany I would have an accent, too.

Anyhoo. Owner took us out to the butchers, WE LOVE THE BUTCHER HE RULES!!!!, and we got some yummy raw Scottish beef mince to eat, and the butcher (who loves us too) gave owner a HUGE bag with raw bones in. Owner, being vegetarian, served us our tea whilst gagging at all the lumps and bumps and blood. I reckon what she needs is Systematic Desensitisation so being a very helpful little dog I quite often like to run after Owner with a bit of dead animal hanging out of my mouth while Owner squeals. I might bury a raw chicken wing in her bed to help her along.

We like to go walking round South West Scotland – Port Logan, Glenluce, Stairhaven, Stranraer – although Owner’s favourite walks are usually in woodland or towards St Helena’s Island next to the river. It does get crowded during tourist season and we can see as many as one or possibly two other people during a two hour walk. The rabbits are BIG here with very very long legs, and obviously Owner knows them well because she calls them all ‘dear’. Tula and I quite often track their scent, but the long legged rabbits are very canny and not nearly as stupid as the small ones we normally catch. When we have had a long ambling walk we unfold the sofa bed and all three of us snooze until Grumpy child tells us he is HUNGRY and needs FEEDING. I don’t know how he works up an appetite – maybe pressing buttons on his Xbox 360 handset is very hard exercise.

During this holiday we went to Sandhead. The bay was very calm, and our good friend Morgan the Mad Labby went piling into the sea and decided to try digging up stones underfoot. Just in case it was a pork chop or similar, Tula and I went charging into the sea. However, there was a BIG DIP right next to where Morgan the Mad Labby was playing to Tula the Perfect Dog and I suddenly sank up to our necks in the sea. Both of us were fairly startled, but after this experience I decided to play boinging through the waves. Tula was cross that she had got soggy so she chased the seagulls in lieu of bunnies. We tried a similar trip to Port Logan a couple of days later but to Owner’s horror there was 3 ft wide red/ orange jellyfish on the beach. I was up for trying to taste one, but Owner is petrified of jellyfish. Luckily none of them came running after us so we escaped with our lives.

When we got home Tula the Perfect Dog found her newly operated on toe was bothering her. She is now having to be re-operated on. Tula the Perfect Dog is frankly quite a nuisance with a lampshade on her head. She uses it like a battering ram so you have to be fast to get out of her way. After a while I got sick of her whinging about her toe, so I decided to help her by licking it for her as she couldn’t reach. Genius. Except Owner didn’t think so. She slapped her own forehead and told us that the two of us working in cahoots together could be very bad news. And then she poured herself a glass of wine. But deep down, she loves having us about because life is never boring when you share it with a Giant Schnauzer or two……

A Very Short Blog

Just to say I just won 'Prettiest Bitch' at a dog show today. I did check to make sure I won, rather than Owner, but no, it was me. I got a big trophy. Well some may call it a ceramic dog bowl, but we quibble over terms. Oh yeah, and IN YOUR FACE TULA HA HA HA HA.

Owner apparently takes up trying to kill herself for fun

I am a very confused little Minxster. Recently Owner has had a birthday, which seems to have been followed by a mid-life crisis. On her birthday she was supposed to fly into the sky in a big picnic basket held up by a balloon, which, if you ask me, is a fairly stupid thing to do. There isn’t ANY food in the picnic basket, so I’m not sure what the point is. This was cancelled (phew!) due to windy weather so Tula the perfect dog and I slept soundly knowing Owner had stopped her stupidity.

However, the next morning Owner left out a leaflet entitled “Diving with Sharks”, http://sharkdives.blueplanetaquarium.com/shark_encounter/shark_encounter.asp and on the cover was a fish a bit like the ones in my pond but with many more teeth and considerably bigger. So when Owner chucked a swimming costume in her bag and set the Sat “Almost in the right vicinity” Nav for Blue Planet – this is an aquarium, and nothing to do with Adult reading material – Tula and I were concerned.

Several hours later Owner came home, sopping wet (eurgh!) with camera footage of her swimming a couple of feet away from sharks WITH NO CAGE IN SIGHT. I was a bit worried that Owner was thinking about bringing the shark home as a new pet given the recent demise of the bunny, but Tula the Perfect Dog felt this unlikely given the basic physics that the shark was bigger than our pond. Anyhooo, Owner was back home, and her can opening hand was still attached so all was good. Even better, Owner came home with her Sofa Snoozing Brother and Brother Who We Growl At For No Reason. Tula the Perfect dog invented the Growl at Brother game which is great fun. Every time Brother leaves the room and comes back in we growl at him and make him jump. It doesn’t work on Sofa Snoozing Brother because he is so laid back, and sadly he slept in a bedroom so I wasn’t even able to gently awake him with a cold wet nose in the ear.

Next day, Owner, both Brothers and Grumpy Child were up early, as they had decided to throw themselves out of trees on bits of string at Go Ape http://www.goape.co.uk/days-out-in/cheshire/delamere/getting-here . By this time Tula the Perfect Dog really was quite furious at Owner a) going out without her and b) trying to injure or kill herself for no good reason. So when Sofa Snoozing Brother went out with Owner to take us for a walk before setting for Go Ape, Tula the Perfect Dog took the opportunity to break rank and run for the hills. Given that Owner hadn’t left as much time as she should to journey to Go Ape, this was a bit of a problem. No amount of screaming, whistling, shouting, waving biscuits or pretending to walk away would bring her back. I sat smugly eating biscuits, when suddenly a monster from the deep appeared over the hill. Actually we had some warning; we could smell it before we saw it.

Tula the Smelly Dog wad found what could be described as the contents of an upset stomach from a fox, and had rolled about in it, covering herself from eyebrows to toes all down one side in a thick layer of stinky poo. Owner decided to put her on a lead, but the collar was covered in poo. At about this second when Owner was bent down, Tula the Stinky Dog decided she would shake herself, and covered Owner in poo from head to toe. Both Sofa Snoozing Brother and I, who had distanced ourselves from stinky Tula, thought this was perhaps the funniest thing we had ever seen, but our amusement was not shared by Owner who was NOT IMPRESSED. Owner covered Tula the Stinky Dog in loose sand to cover the stench a bit, and we traipsed off home. Tula was attached to the garden table and cleaned WITH A GARDEN HOSE. No nice warm bubbly water. Owner then went to get washed and changed before going to Go Ape despite the delay Tula had caused. Bah, another plan failed.

Owner showed off at Go Ape apparently, and got told off for completing a 200-meter zip wire upside down. This may have caused some stress to the small child behind her, however, because he refused to move after seeing Owner whizzing along a wire with her feet in the air. The child sat fast at the top of the wire, thus stopping all the people behind him from moving forward. At the point Owner left, about 2 hours later, small child was still refusing to budge. Who knows, he could still be up there now….

When Owner came home, it seemed that either rolling about or being damp from the hose wash cause poor ol’ Tula to be a bit creaky in the hip department. A few days later she went to the vet and got some Metacam, which is an anti-inflammatory. Tula started bouncing about again as usual; a bit too much, cos she has now ripped a nail, and according to the vet, she is booked in for a “Hop” under Anna Sthetik. She must be a new vet. Meanwhile Tula has a stupid lampshade around her head which means I can creep up behind her to annoy her, which is probably more life risking than any of Owner’s activities.

Bed and Breakfast...

I like sleeping. On top of Owner’s bed, on top of Grumpy child, on top of Owner, sometimes on top of Tula The Perfect Dog (although you have to be fast moving if Tula decides she is getting fed up of being squashed…). I mean, eating is good, particularly the big box of Fish4Dogs doggy treats which was about £25. Who left the entire box within climbing range of the Minxster? Well, I’m not sure, but whoever it was I’m a big fan. And Owner was very happy too because she said “For crying out loud those were to last both of you at least 3 weeks!”. So by eating them within a very short time frame it has saved Owner the terrible worry of where to store all the treats. The answer is: in my stomach.

But once the eating has finished it is time for the sleeping. Owner has been fairly tired recently, I have no idea why (although she keeps frowning at me when she says she is tired) and has thus fallen asleep on the sofa on several occasions. By waiting until Owner makes a noise like a saw mill, a careful Minxster can climb over the arm of the sofa and snuggle up next to Owner. Not the top end though, just in case Owner drools on me in her sleep. Eurgh. Sometimes Tula The Perfect Dog beats me to it, which isn’t a problem. You just wait until both Owner and Tula The Perfect Dog are asleep then bash them both with your paw until they wake up, and hopefully they blame each other.

Owner doesn’t sleep as well in her bed as she appears to on the sofa. Apparently when I sleep outside her door and decide to have an ear scratch fest at 3am which rattles the door like a juggernaut is coming through, and add to that my “RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrRRRRR” conversation to let Owner know I have the EXACT right place to itch, it doesn’t help Owner to sleep. Strange. With this in mind, I came upstairs one day to find Tula The Perfect Dog has a new bed that looks like a deluxe off the ground double hammock with a massive duvet on top. Tula and I went to sniff it, we put a paw on it, then Tula ignored it and got on Owner’s bed, whilst I helped by pulling the duvet back off the new contraption. Meanwhile, Owner had washed my nice old smelly duvet and put the new yucky smelling one inside a soft dog bed and pushed it as hard as possible against her door as a sort of sound proofing device. This was easily sorted by pulling the duvet out of this bed too, and gave an excellent opportunity to eat a bit of duvet and scatter some foam about over the landing and down the stairs as a treat for Owner when she woke up. A winter wonderland in the middle of summer, what a thoughtful little hand bag sized Giant I am.

It took Tula The Perfect Dog 4 days before she caved and started using her new bed. I won’t go near it as I think it is a secret torture device that may eat me if I sit on it. I have decided to sleep on either side of my new soft bed, but won’t yet risk going IN the bed overnight. Tula The Perfect Dog is happy to roll about in it, but I’m not so sure. Owner carefully places me in the bed at night, but as soon as she shuts the door I creep out and lie on the carpet instead. Besides it makes a much better noise when I scratch if I can get myself flat against the door without the stupid bed in the way…..and if owner is tired, well maybe she will fall asleep on the couch again and we will all be happy. I noticed Owner has bought some interesting devices called “ear plugs” the other day, but as yet, I haven’t had the opportunity to eat them. Don’t worry, I will update you as soon as I do.....

I'm not small, I'm handbag sized...

I’m not small, I’m handbag sized….

What a day. I was recovering from yesterday when Owner came home and THREATENED me by putting a raw lamb kidney in my food bowl (dear god mum do I look like a lion?) when my dragged me out for a walk really, really early this morning. Owner, Tula the Perfect Dog and I were all yawning, but Owner was shouting “Run! Run like the wind! Chase ALL the rabbits!”. This sudden change in behaviour was strange even for Owner who is really quite potty. So when we got home and it was time for my apres walk snooze, Owner chucked me in the back of the car with Tula and drove into the distance.

I woke to some loud discussion between Owner (driving) and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages who were both yelling at the small device that is supposed to tell Owner how to get to places, but usually it gets us to the general area rather than specifically to where Owner wants to go. Instead of saying “You have reached your final destination” it should probably say “I have taken you as close as I can be bothered, I suggest you now get out an A-Z or ask someone to direct you”. Anyhow, Owner took us on a lovely 20 min detour that brought us to where we wanted to go – about 2 mins from the original place we stopped in Llandudno.

As Giant Schnauzers we enjoy the fact that lots of people stop us and make a fuss of us because we are a fairly unusual breed. So imagine our surprise when there was 9 Giant Schnauzers all waiting for us to arrive! Although, when I realised I was the smallest by some considerable margin I was slightly put out. Luckily there was a fabulously friendly white Mini Schnauzer and a brave but annoyingly cute puppy mini (oh come on people, stop looking at the gorgeous pup and look at ME) so by hanging around near them I still looked BIG. Tula the Perfect Dog flirted with virtually all the dogs but was particularly flirty with a young gentleman named Enzo. She also liked a large dog named Dylan who was quite woofety, but I was a bit more cautious – I prefer men my own size *winks at Otto*

I am normally a bit cautious around larger dogs, but actually as time went on I went to say hello to all the dogs, even the loud ones, and they were all really friendly with me. Which was all good, but there was a distinct lack of rabbits to chase. What to do? Ah, but Minxsters are very good at improvisation. And sure enough, there was some dead crab to munch on while Owner and Owners Friend Who Brings Us Sausages both went “Euuuuurrrgh…”.

Afterwards we were invite to JoniwhoownsDylanandLayla’s hotel (www.clontarfhotel.co.uk) where I had a good nosey about and settled in the corner with Tula the Perfect Dog. If you ever want a break this hotel comes with a Minxster stamp of approval. Anyhoo, the boring hoomans started talking (blah blah blah) and poor Joni tried to cater for my Owner. Now, anyone who knows my Owner knows that woman can eat as an Olympic event. She started with a Caffitiere of coffee – bad move! Once the coffee starts flowing Owner gets very possessive about her cuppa. And it was, apparently very, very good coffee. So the first cup went in and Owner walloped down a couple of HUGE egg and watercress sandwiches faster than Tula can leap on the chair on top of me if I try to steal her spot. And that’s FAST. Then some home made cinnamon buns came out and Owner was in there like a lion at a gazelle. I was a bit scared to be honest, and made sure I kept all my paws away from her mouth just in case. By the time Owner was on her third cup, having alarmingly found her 2nd cup had been cleared away (OH DEAR GOD PLEEEEZE SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE SHE NOTICES) she had also put away a chocolate eclair and was working through the home made Victoria Sponge that someone had carelessly put next to Owner….. I am wondering to myself exactly where she is putting all this stuff, and maybe she has a secret food pouch….and Joni comes in with raw food for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to eat it, but when Tula polishes off hers and then nicks mine, I am beginning to see why Tula and Owner relate to each other so well. Well, for a change it isn’t ME embarrassing themselves, but Owner. No one else managed to put so much else away, and as Owner is waddling out the door having said goodbye to all our friends, she whizzes a couple of Cinnamon buns to scoff on the way home….I have a cuddle with poor Joni in the hope that I can go someway for making up for Owner’s disgraceful behaviour, and maybe, just MAYBE Joni will let us come back for a holiday rather than shutting the door and hiding in case Owner eats her out of house and home.

So when we get home Owner scoffs one of the remaining buns and changes into her PJs. She scoots off into the bathroom and there is a loud scream. Oh no, I know what that means. Owner has gone on the scales……..I suspect she will be in a bad mood for the rest of the night. Maybe she can scoff the other bun to cheer herself up. Looks like us dogs are not going to be the only giant things in the house at this rate…….

RRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL

RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRLLLL

Hello and welcome to my…..

RAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRLLLL

……blog. Well this week….

RRRRAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLL

Ok, lets go into the other room. This week something sad happened. The rabbit died which made Owner very sad as it was nine and a half years old. Tula the Perfect Dog was very sad as she didn’t get to eat it. But it is buried in the garden which could be a future challenge for us.

Today we went out in the garden when the most GODAWFUL noise came from a garden nearby. It sounded a bit like someone was being strangled but louder. Owner came wandering down the garden with her hands over her ears and went for an investigation. It turned out that one of those miniature domestic lions had decided to go break dancing in an old football net in the one foot space behind someone’s garage. There is a garage on one side of the space, and a 7ft fence on all of the other sides. I’m sniggering to myself thinking who on earth would be stupid enough to go down a one foot wide space because they are bound to get stuck, when suddenly a HUGE ladder sticks in the air from next door, and OWNER goes wobbling up the ladder!!! She throws step ladders down the gap and disappears from sight. Tula and I are not sure quite what to do for the best here, so we decide that barking lots will help the situation. Meanwhile, Owner finds a very pretty long haired white fluffy cat with tight net twisted around its throat and legs. It is unable to move, is petrified, is bleeding and is trying to eat its own leg to try desperately to free itself. Owner is not really a moggy person, but is most definitely a rescue an animal kind of person.

Owner shouts to a neighbour for help and the neighbour rushes back with scissors. As soon as Owner cuts one bit of net away, she finds more and more net hidden under the fur. Cat is so tired and sore it isn’t really fighting or struggling. In fact, Owner said the only reason she knew it was still ok was that it was still yowling…..

Owner was still working in a very tiny confined space, but eventually cut all the net away. She pulled the cat up and put it on her shoulder at which point it started purring for a while….but then owner couldn’t actually climb out the awkward space with the cat. Hmm, big problem then. Huge problem actually because Owner feeds me, and Tula is bigger than me so I cant eat HER. Anyhooo, when the rabbit went to the carrot patch in the sky it left behind it’s vet carrier box. So neighbour rescued the box and poor kitty was put in the box, which enabled owner to make her wobbly clamber up one ladder with the kitty in one hand and sort of leap to the other ladder avoiding breaking the fence and probably her neck too. I was pretty glad to see her because there was rusty nails everywhere and god forbid she should injure her can opening arm. Kitty is SO happy to be in the box it says “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL"
How does something that small make so much noise? At first I thought it would be great to keep it as a toy but even I had enough of the noise at this point.

Well, Owner takes kitty to the vet, and vet says kitty is going to live. Kitty has a leg it cant stand on, but it’s not broken, it’s just sore from being tangled up in a funny position. A bit like Owner when she can’t sleep and gets all tied up in bedclothes and annoys Tula by wriggling about. So then Owner comes home and has to find who actually owns Yowling Kitty. Although, quite frankly, I’m surprised everyone within a 10 mile radius don’t know where Yowling Kitty is. So how does Owner find where Yowling Kitty lives? She knock on the door of every 5th house in the area until she finds someone who points her to the place where a long haired white cat lives. And inside the house was a very worried lady who cried when Owner told her that Yowling Kitty was OK and not squished. Which was all well and good and daredevil Owner was intact. Except now I seem to have another visitor on the other side of the fence trying to say “Thank you”……

RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLL

*Minxster puts paws over ears*

Watch the Birdy.....

Well Owner has been very busy so I haven’t been up to my usual amount of adventures recently. But Spring has sprung which had caused all manner of havoc at Tula Towers. Strangely, Owner has decided that brown doors should be white doors. I have no idea why this would be important but apparently it “JUST IS.” A long and well thought out argument there. So Owner trots off to her local DIY store and buys a big tin of white gloss. For most people who have met me, the words “white gloss” and “Minxster” are a combination that should never ever go together.

Much to Owners great surprise (and losing a £10 bet in the process) it was NOT me who managed to run through the house with white gloss on my paws. And sadly for Tula the Perfect dog, the evidence was still on her paws. So whilst Owner was on her hands and knees pointing at the carpet and telling Tula the Perfect dog that she had really let the side down, I decided to have a snooze in the sunny patch by the big window in the back room. Or so I thought.

Next to my lug hole came a “tappity tap” noise, but when I opened my eyes there was nothing there. Owner and Tula were still deep in conversation (although it did seem pretty one sided). So I rolled on my back, and drifted off again only to be woken by a more insistent tapping. Outside was a bird, that spent the next week tapping on the window seemingly whenever it got bored. At first I barked my head off at it, but over the next week I discovered that this made not a jot of difference. Except that sometimes it waved its wings too.

To be honest I thought Birdy was a bit of a nuisance, but the whole household got used to it bouncing and tapping and waving on a regular basis. That is, until one evening when Birdy was tweeting and waving at me and I spotted a miniature tabby tiger creeping down the garden – and it wasn’t thinking friendly thoughts. Birdy was so busy jumping and waving and tweeting that even when I started bouncing up and down I think Birdy thought it had turned into a two-way game.

Luckily Tula realised that the door was open and went tearing down the garden after the cat. By the time Owner wandered out to see what was going on, we had the cat cornered half way up a tree. Owner went out and shouted at the cat that she didn’t want it trying to eat the birds and would it kindly shove off. The cat obviously took this as a threat and went to the very top of the tree where is promptly got stuck. Had it been Christmas it would have made a pretty good ornament if it would have had a couple of wings stuck on its back, but it was Easter so seasonally incongruous. Tula and I had got fairly bored at this point due to the stalemate situation, until Owner decided to try to rescue the cat, who in thanks, then arched its back, hissed and spat at Owner. This was obviously and attempt to attack and maim Owner so we both felt it was important to look fierce at the bottom of the tree. In retrospect this probably didn’t help the now stuck and petrified cat. We were removed back inside the house while Owner tried to work out what to do about the stuck cat. It started to go dark. We could still see the silhouette of the cat from the window and Owner started to feel quite sorry for the cat - but it wasn't moving. At this point it started to hail huge hail stones at which point the cat decided that being stuck AND pelted wasn’t much fun so it scampered down the tree and was off into the darkness.

And after that great shock, what has happened to Birdy? Absolutely nothing, the annoying blighter is still tapping away but now we are all on guard patrol to make sure it doesn’t get eaten. Although the cat is probably reluctant to return after being chased by a Schnauzer covered in white gloss. It certainly made Owner scream when she saw Tula doing her best Dalmatian impression. For once, I’m not in the dog house. But I’m sure I can change that given enough time....

Fame won’t change me…much.

Fame won’t change me…much.

Well it’s a long time since I have written on my blog, bad Minxster. But I thought I would share my latest adventures with my readers, because I don’t want anyone accusing me of changing since I found FAME. No autographs please, and pictures with the authorisation of my management team only.

On Friday evening Owner was ill….she sometimes gets migraines and on this particular evening she came home as white as a sheet and fell into her bed upstairs. I use the term ‘her’ bed loosely. Us Schnauzers are very caring souls and we hate anything being wrong with those we love, particularly when they are the ones that feed us and walk us; very, very worrying. So I jumped on one side of the bed and squished owners tummy with my paw which made her groan so I knew she was still alive. I lay on the bed next to her and put my head on her shoulder, while Tula lay on the other side of Owner. The Tula side was the one with the vomit bucket, so I was pretty pleased not to be on that side thanks very much. Well Owner soon felt right as rain, but we had all gone to bed very early. Obviously that means we MUST get up early too, so I helped her remember that by barking and howling at 5am. She was very happy that I did that because she played a game where she pulled pillows over her head, but Tula and I soon pulled those off, and then we had a tug of war with the duvet. Fun!

But things soon changed when we got downstairs. Owner poured about half a pint of coffee down her throat and through her bleary eyes she started inspecting our coats. Before I had chance to hide under the dining table, the grooming table was out and I was being manhandled by a half asleep Owner. Tula and I were trimmed and chopped, then shampooed and trimmed again, blow dried and primped and combed. It was very exhausting for me. Particularly when she trims the hair around the pads of my feet: “Tee hee Owner stoppppit that tickles…”. Having started at 5.30am, by 11.30am Owner was happy that we both looked ok, (and also we had got wise and were now running away when the comb came out).

Then we jumped in the car, but Owner wouldn’t let us shove our heads out the windows, so we just barked at passing dogs from inside the car which I think Owner really enjoys. We were taken to a park full of lots and lots of different dogs, Staffies, Labbies, Bull Mastiff-ies, Spangles (editor: Spaniels?) Bananaramas (editor: Weimaraner?), Terrorists (editor: Terriers) and a Enormous-Great Dane, and I haven’t seen so many dogs since we were at a……..hang on a minute….oh my god, Owner has brought us to a DOG SHOW. On the plus side there are lots of exciting bottoms to sniff and the odd dropped hot dog, a nice man was giving away poop bags – possibly because Tula did something that looked like it was so big that there may have been a different weather system at the top…but Owner ALWAYS picks up after us.

Well, we started walking in a big circle in the show ring and Tula did her special prance because she is a bit of a show off in these situations, but she was wasting her time because Owner had accidentally put us into both ‘Dog with the Waggiest Tail’ when we have no tail, duh, and ‘Worst Behaved Dog’ which I really thought I had a shot at. Sadly for me, there was a fabulous Lakeland Terrier who attacked his own lead all the way around the ring who won; he is my hero.

There was then a dog display with lots of clever dogs who bounced and boinged over stuff which was so interesting I nearly got my head stuck in the railings. But then they used firearms to make loud noises to show how well trained some dogs were in catching baddies. This may or may not have been interesting – I wouldn’t know because I bolted for the exit before there was anymore bangs. The Great Dane nearly jumped his own height again too, so it wasn’t just me who got a surprise.

After being coaxed back with bribery, I sat shaking for a little while until Owner’s friend arrived with a cute little Staffy who didn’t like her bottom being sniffed – but loved being made a fuss of by Owner. This distracted me just enough that when they did the next categories for the dog show I was no longer like a jelly. Categories came and went but we didn’t win anything. The very last category was called, and during our walk around the ring both Tula and I decided we would have a pee while Owner went a funny shade of pink and covered her face with her hands. The Judges pointed to us and said “Best in Show”…. Owner was all huggy and kissy with us both (euuurgh) and we got a huge purple and white rosette and people took our picture. Owner was blubbering all over the place because it turned out I won! Although Tula says WE won and it was largely thanks to her special trot. Funnily enough, on the way home Owner said SHE won because she had done the grooming, but we all know Owner doesn’t know what she is talking about. So now I am a famous Minxster I am expecting stuff to change around here, like for starters this grooming lark can go out the window so I am off to run through the shrubs at the end of the garden and get scruffy again….

This blog was done in memory of my close doggy pal, Alice, pictured above, who went to Rainbow Bridge recently. We will all miss you.

Socks Addict….

It’s true. I admit it. At first I could handle it but it is rapidly escalating out of control. It used to be just a small sock, (worn preferably) that I could hide somewhere in the back of my dog crate so Tula the Perfect Dog couldn’t steal it. Recently I have taken to stealing them off the radiator when they are drying, which has caused some confusion to Owner who now has about 14 odd sock and only about 3 pairs. But socks are great cos you can pull them apart on the floor so it looks like some kind of sock autopsy when Owner walks in. Occasionally I get a bit carried away and actually EAT the sock too, which makes for some interesting deposits in the garden. But it’s much softer coming out the rear than the chewed Tupperware was the other week – ouchy. I think Tula the Perfect dog has been watching the art of sock stealing but failed miserably this morning by trying to steal the sock WHILE OWNER WAS STILL PUTTING IT ON. Ambitious – yes, I had to admire how brazen she was, but in terms of managing to get away with sock theft, not great.

Anyhooo, I got a brilliant new gift from Owner this week. Owner had cleared out Grumpy Son’s room and dismantled his single bed, which was very narrow and thus son would kind of get in the way when I was trying to share it with him at night. But on Friday there was a NEW ARRIVAL. A HUGE new bed in Grumpy Son’s room, which fits me just perfectly. At first I wasn’t sure as it is on castors, which are put on the bottom of a bed so that if a Giant Schnauzer jumps on it and you have a laminate floor then the whole bed scoots over the room and scares the dog. I soon got the hang of jumping on the bed towards the wall so we don’t do the dog roller coaster ride though. Sadly for me, Grumpy Son also expects to share my new bed. There is plenty of room for both of us, but y’know, it’s a bit of a cheek really. At least he warms it up for me a bit though …and when he is asleep I can steal his socks, mwahahahaha.

The Not Food Diet

This week started with a brilliant new trick. Owner came in from popping out to the shops and I greeted her from the top of the dining table. Owner was so astonished that she completely forgot to tell me quite how clever I was for managing such a skillfull thing and instead she let out a noise that sounded like a pressure cooker boiling over. Owner isn’t always as bright as me though, so she didn’t work out the motivation behind my fantastic trick. Next to the dining table is a very high unit, and near the top of it is a Tupperware tub with yummy treats for me and Tula the Perfect Dog. So when owner left the room next, I mountaineered seemingly dog-proof furniture and whizzed the goodie tub. It was full of dried fish, which was a pretty good find.

Unfortunately, I ate much more of it than I should have done, partly because I am greedy and partly because it was fun knowing I was eating Tula the Perfect Dog’s portion too. Quite soon my stomach started to rumble and grumble in a very worrying way. I went outside and was very alarmed at what happened at my rear end, but suffice to say the pond has a waterfall that isn’t dissimilar. At this point it sounded like Owner said “NO FOOD FOR YOU FOR 24 HOURS UNTIL YOUR TUMMY GETS BETTER.”. I thought this was quite a funny joke until my food bowl got presented at tea time with some water and some glucose in it. I tried turning the bowl over to see if the food was hidden, but no, Owner was obviously trying to STARVE ME TO DEATH.

Giant Schnauzer are not good at being hungry. In fact, it is something that Minxsters are naturally bad at. So, when Owner had to go out to put petrol in the car and pick up a pint of milk, she came back to a much fuller Minxster. Not the fridge contents, I’m working on opening the fridge but haven’t perfected yet. No, it was my blue plastic tugger toy. Usually I play with my toy and chew it a little until Tula The Perfect Dog removes it from me. If I REALLY love a toy, I run off with it and bury it at the back of my dog crate. But this particular day I had a bit of a chomp of the toy, then thought it tasted better than the glucose and water, so I ate THE WHOLE THING. Which was quite some feat because it was a large toy. Owner knew nothing about my snack until my tum started to make bad noises again, and bits of the tugger came out the rear. Owner looked at the peculiar blue poopy and then searched the house hoping to find the rest of the tugger. Stupid Owner, why would I leave something that was (sort of) edible? So Owner looked at me sadly and said “We are going to have to starve you another 2 meals, Minx”…. AAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!!

Hungry, hungry, hungry. Tula started to look good to eat, but she has pretty big teeth so that was OUT. Owner has put the rabbit’s cage behind two rows of fire guards, so that was OUT (but tempting). But when Owner was tidying upstairs, my climbing skills got the better of me, and I got my paws on the Tupperware that had the dried fish in that caused the whole problem in the first place. Had it been filled up again? Sadly, no. So I ate the Tupperware. After this my tummy felt BAD. And soon, Owner’s carpet looked BAD too (oops).

It took 2 days for all the plastic to make its way through my system. Owner said she had never seen so much poopy that was almost entirely plastic. It was like I had turned into a rather unsavoury Lego making machine. Owner looked after me carefully in case I needed to get to the vet at any point. She also said useless stuff like “If you wouldn’t have eaten so much shite then you wouldn’t be feeling so rubbish now"…..like THAT’S gonna help after the event, thanks a lot. Next time Owner drinks too much I will point the same thing back out to her. But I think Owner has learned her lesson. Unless it can run faster than me, it comes under the category of food in my mind. Now, where’s that table leg…….*sound of chomping*

Harsh, but Fur....

Someone call the RSPCA. Owner is trying to freeze me and drown me. I’m not sure exactly what I have done wrong – there are so many things to choose from, but it must have been reeeeeeeeeally bad.

It was raining this morning, so rather than go out for my usual bounce and charge over the sand dunes, owner got a table out and called us both for a GROOM. Occasionally when we are out people ask owner who grooms us, and she says she does. When they ask where she trained, she says “At the School of Being Too Broke to Take The Dogs to a PROPER Groomer”. Well, I don’t know where this school is but I can tell you their customer service training is rubbish. Owner got the clippers out and whizzed my coat off so it’s all cold and brrrrrr –like. And just as I was wondering if the reduction is weight would help me to catch more rabbits, owner waved some chicken at me and scarpered upstairs. Fast as a fast thing, I charged after her and discovered myself trapped in the bathroom with a grinning Owner. I was picked up (there was much grunting and groaning from Owner at this point, so Owner needs to get to the gym more often) and put in the bath tub. Owner jumped in, and then turned the shower on. Bubbles flew everywhere and then I was dumped back out on the floor. I smelt like a vet’s surgery, but Owner said that the shampoo made me smell gorgeous. Shampoo? What was wrong with smelling of stale fish and REAL poo??? Anyhow, while Tula the perfect dog was being conned into the drowning machine I escaped between Owner’s legs and out the door. I must admit, that the idea of watching Tula the Perfect Dog being drowned was quite appealing, but the idea of being drowned for a second time was NOT. Well, Owner’s bedroom was straight across the landing so off I pottered. There was some dry clothes hanging over the radiator so I pressed my head into those and pushed my body along them to dry those bits that are hard to get too. Handily the clothes landed on the floor, so that gave me something warm to wriggle on to sort my wet back. But really, the short hair and the bathroom dunking left me a bit cold so I needed to warm ALL of me. So I came up with the stunning idea of getting INTO Owner’s bed, which was very comfy and just the job for a few ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzs.
About ten minutes later I was awoken by Owner who was not so impressed by my Giant Schnauzer Dry Cleaning Invention. Turns out she had JUST WASHED THAT! (Me? Or the Bed?) and for some reason this meant it was bad that I had wriggled all over it. Probably cos I made it smell of the nasty shampoo (HA! ). Tula the Perfect Dog had a few words to exchange too, so there was much barking and bouncing off furniture for about ten minutes until Owner announced she was GETTING A HEADACHE. I can’t wait until tomorrow so I can roll about in dead seagulls and mud so I can show Owner just how beautiful a Giant Schnauzer can really smell.

Minxster train-ing

It has been a very adventuresome day for me today. My Owner selfishly went to work for a couple of hours and when she came back she remembered she needed to go to the shops to return a can full of stuff that turns her orange. Or in this case, she staggered around looking like an Orangutang until the gunk dried, and as soon as she took a shower she was back to her normal slightly scary pale colour. She says she needs to put it on so her legs don’t scare her dance students when she has her shorts on. But if I saw someone with legs that look like an orange and white Bumble Bee, I’d be petrified….
Enough with the social commentary. So when Owner came home I thought I was in for an afternoon of finding interesting positions to nap in, annoying Tula the Perfect One or Bin Destruction. But Owner got our leads out! Most unexpected given that we had already had a long walk where I almost behaved. Well Owner pulled out a red and white spotted scarf that looked like it should be in pantomime on the end of a stick with all one’s worldly belongings inside…and knotted it firmly around Tula the Perfect Dog’s neck. I was sniggering away to myself when the most horrendous thing happened. OWNER PUT ME IN A JUMPER. A bright red jumper with a black paw print on the side. There was no time for rolling about to get it off, Owner was out the door with 2 surprised Giant Schnauzers being marched along.
We went along a busy road, which I am trying to get used to, although I don’t particularly like a lot of traffic. And then we went in a building and down some stairs…..and a huge big thing came thundering along some rails and swallowed all the people waiting on the other side! It was very shocking for a Minxster but particularly when one arrived on our side and I was expected to get on. Are you kidding me??? Tula the perfect dog got on, but I spread my paws out so I couldn’t be moved. Owner picked me up and plopped me inside which was the second most humiliating thing to happen after THE JUMPER. Lots of people looked at us on the train and I’m sure one or two were sniggering but owner said we looked LOVELY. Oh please. If you think it’s so lovely why don’t you wear it Owner.
Wandering around the shops was full of interesting stuff like food on the floor, pigeons who cant run properly who were within Minxster radius, small children waving sweets around and a lady who came over and said we were adorable so went to buy us some treats. Owner said she thought she should have put a hat on the floor, and then she could have sat cross legged and collected donations from all the people who wanted to make a fuss of us both. It’s the jumper, I swear.
We also bumped into a Norwegian lady who had a 13 year old Giant called Tanya in Norway, then shortly afterwards we met a family who have a Giant called Lucy and a mini called Pippa. My Owner tried to give us away to this family in exchange for a few quid, but luckily she was only joking and said she couldn’t live without us.
On the way home a FANTASTIC thing happened. The man sat near use ATE A PORK PIE. We both watched very very carefully as he ate it, and he gave us some funny looks but strangely didn’t give us any to eat. But it kept us both very busy until our stop, and the return journey was much less scary for a little Giant Schnauzer. It was very cold when we got off the train so I was rather happy I had THE JUMPER on. So Minxster has now conquered trains, without peeing on it, barking the entire journey or bouncing off the walls. It just remains for me to empty the bin all over the lounge to teach my Owner not to dress me up.

Wobbly few days....

It has been a wobbly few days here at Palace du Tula. Firstly, there has been the weather. As a Minxster there is nothing better than bouncing through the snow and then all over owner. But the snow is now ice, and my 4wd is obviously a bit faulty cos there have been a few rear end skids that have resulted in me stopping a little more suddenly than I was intending. Owner was very concerned and held her hand over her mouth whilst snorting and shaking, which I presume means she was worried about my welfare. Owner declared that it was DANGEROOOOOS outside and she wasn’t risking her neck for the entertainment of watching me do a starfish impression. Owner obviously forgot just how bored a little Giant Schnauzer can get, so there has been many varied games I have come up with like:

• Ripping up newspaper and shredding it


• Eating the rabbit’s food.


• Trying to eat the rabbit.


• Waiting until Tula the Perfect dog is asleep, taking hold of the corner of the sofa throw and tugging to see if she falls off


• Running off with Owner’s socks


• Trying to sleep on top of Tula.


• Hiding behind the bathroom door when Owner is DOING STUFF in the bathroom then barking at her when she comes out

But Owner had other things on her mind. A couple of years ago she lost her beautiful labrador to cancer. The first indication that he had any illness was that he had a tumour in his anal gland. Owner was very sad when it was time for him to leave her and she still has pictures of the BEAUTIFUL BOY WHO BROKE MY HEART all over the house. So, when Owner found a lump in the same place when grooming Tula the Perfect Dog she was WORRIED. It came at a very bad time, because Owner is usually at home with us most of the time, but it happened during a few days when she had lots of meetings and couldn’t do anything. The funny thing was, when Owner tried to sleep she had nightmares, and when she woke up she seemed to mis-remember the little lump as being a huge lump the size of a cannonball. Owner kept getting very sad but today she got Tula the Perfect Dog to the vet. Fighting back the tears, the took the Tula in, and was told that there was a little fluid, which was sorted in about five seconds, and Tula the perfect dog happily trotted out with a clean bill of health. Owner came home and sat on the sofa with us Giants on either side saying I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH DON’T EVER GET ILL. And then we got a treat. Presumably this means we have been trying really hard not to be ill so we get rewarded for that. I was just pleased I didn’t get the vet’s cold hand up my bottom too thanks to my Owner’s dog illness paranoia. I may even try to sneak on Owner’s bed for a cosy night’s sleep on the back of her relief. If I can manage to look REALLY pitiful…..
　

Ode to a Norty Schnauzer (oh no, it's POETRY)

What a Minxster Wishes for....

　
All I want is a nice warm bed,
Somewhere safe to rest my head,
A bit of love and a friendly hug,
And in the winter a fire with a fireside rug,
But maybe I want my owner’s bed,
And as a trampoline I can use my owners head
Because human sleep is over rated
I will wake her up every hour as stated
I will search the house for Uggs she hides
And when I get them they will become my finds
A chomp and a chew makes Minxster happy
Strangely it makes my owner snappy
No fence on earth will keep me in,
No kitchen safe especially the bin
Whose contents are spread over the floor
From the back of the house through to the front door.
Socks on floors are there for me,
Carpet is there to soak up wee,
Doors are just obstacles so I can get out
And leave owner panic-struck I have no doubt
But owner don’t worry I will soon be back
Common sense I have although brains I lack
So I know my life is good with you,
Because you love me through and through.
(God knows why though.)

In Dis Grace

Apparently I am in Dis Grace. Which is silly because I am actually on the bed. It has fresh new bedcovers on, which makes it even better to dry myself on after a snowy walk. But owner is already pretty bloomin' furious so it will only be a short blog today....

Firstly its not all my fault, both owner and Tula the perfect dog are also to blame so don't pin it all on the little Minxster. Owner was doing VERY IMPORTANT WORK so that's quite boring for a little Minxster. Yawn, yawn, yawn emails, project briefs (are these like pants?), strategic thingies but no walk. Apparently Owner says it was because "Only Torville and Dean would go out in this" but I don't know who this is, but I'm presuming it's a pair of Mini Schnauzers (pesky Minis, Owner says they are VERY CUTE, which is worrying, I really don't want to share the sofa with ANOTHER dog). But later in the afternoon it looks sunny so owner puts on scarves and 2 pairs of gloves and 2 coats and a hat and really there isn't much owner lets to see apart from a pair of eyes peering out. I bounce down the road a bit like Tigger, but this causes some screaming from Owner who does a very funny dance behind me with her arms waving and her feet skidding. We pass a large group of loud teenagers who play music at me through their mobile phones. Tula the perfect dog tried to eat one of the phones and the teenagers squeal and yell "Thats Bang Out of Order" but Owner just sniggers.

The field is full of heather and tall prickly gorse which makes it a fabulous place to find rabbits (yum!) but yet again stupid owner has but bells around my neck which give the rabbits an advance warning. But it means there is lots and lots of undergrowth so Owner can't always see us. Well, I was so excited to be out, and I knew Owner wanted to cheat me out of a proper walk, so I skiddadled......gone like the wind.....faster than a speeding bullet. But to be fair, so did Tula the Perfect dog.....in the opposite direction. So Owner was left in the middle of a snowy, icy field, at about 5 degrees below freezing, screaming our names. Owner could hear the bells on our collar, so knew we were not lost, but neither one of us fancied returning. Owner stopped yelling, and instead sneaked up on the nearest bell sound (lucky it wasn't one of Santa's reindeer, then there would have been some explaining to do) and launched herself like a hangglider overhead....suddenly I was captured, and no amount of wriggling got me free. I was shoved back on my lead, given a biscuit to bribe me, then told off for not coming back (crumbs, Ceaser Milan please help my poor confused owner) and I was DRAGGED, DRAGGED I tell you through the heather until my owner realised I had turned into the fabled Snow dog of the Scottish Borders....After removing about a foot of snow from my head, my owner continued screaming her head off to get Tula the Not Quite So Perfect As Usual dog back. Anyhooo, Owner tracked Tula too and she promptly got lassooed too. We were marched home with much I AM GOING TO BUY A SPRAY COLLAR FOR YOU TWO AND THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY from Owner. Tula the Perfect Until Very Recently dog promptly sat down and did her 'I'm not going anywhere if you are going to be grumpy and you can't make me' refusal to move. Unlike usual when Owner then has to spend some time persuading Her Majesty that it actually would be good to move cos people are laughing, Tula just slid along the floor and gave up her protest. So we both lost out on an after walk biscuit treat, but Owner did give us both a big hug because she doesn't like being apart from her Ladies. Hopefully Owner has learnt a lesson that recall is an optional request to a Giant Schnauzer, not a command.

Is that a Labradoodle? Or a Kerry Blue?

No, I am not, thanks for asking. A Kerry Blue is notoriously difficult to train and I am perfectly happy to do as I am told (providing it is what I was intending to do anyhow….). My owner does insist on attaching bells to my collar so she can hear which direction I have disappeared to, because sometimes when she yells for me to return, well other stuff is just a bit more interesting….particularly if it is (or was) rabbit shaped. Whereas Tula the perfect dog will chase a rabbit via a Ninja like sneaky stealth approach, I work on the kangaroo approach, which involves jumping high into the air and splatting down on undergrowth, brambles and thorns until something runs out (or maybe just gets flattened, you never know). At this point I make a high pitch squealing noise but strangely the rabbits seem to disappear into thin air somewhere close to these BIG HOLES. At this point I go to have a look where I first found the rabbit in case it has gone back there and is waiting for me.
Although I can run faster than a fast thing moving fast, I don’t often catch a rabbit. But sometimes I manage to find one that is already dead, often with a head or some legs missing. This is an opportunity to take it back to my owner who shrieks loudly, obviously because it’s such a nice thing to bring her. We can either play three way tug of war with Tula while my owner says "DROPIT DROPIT Oh my god I’m vegetarian please just drop the horrible thing before I vomit" or sometimes, if it’s busy, she walks ahead and pretends I’m not her dog while I trot behind with it swinging about…..Interestingly my owner also has a pet rabbit. When I first moved in here I enjoyed staring at it just in case it fell out of the cage, but for some reason it doesn’t want to play with me. Damn.
People often stop us and ask what I am. I am a dog, silly! I am still a slightly peculiar shape though cos my owner trims me herself and I hate anyone trimming my face. My hair was quite short when I moved into Palace du Tula, and growing out a beard is a LOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG process. So my face looks a bit scruffy. I also had a lady operation a few months ago, so I have a patch of short hair on my leg and on my tum. And due to my undergrowth bouncing I am usually covered in sticky buds. This resulted in owners relative saying "OMG have you seen the scabby ear on your dog?". Luckily my owner didn’t smack them in the teeth, but instead removed the sticky buds, causing the relative to think she had just ripped a massive scab off my ear. She turned a very funny colour, but luckily I was there to lick her face and chew thoughtfully at her coat. After my owner grooms lots of sticky buds off me, its fun to either sniff them again or roll in them, it makes owner say "Why do I bother?" but of course if she doesn’t remove them I roll on her bed so they stick on her duvet. Tula the perfect dog also gets sticky buds, and if they are not taken out immediately then her majesty will pull them out, leaving huge tufts of hair all around her to TEACH OWNER A LESSON for not doing as she has been trained. Owner dislikes this because every single strand of Tula’s hair is a treasured item. Unless she has rolled in fox poo, ha ha ha.
Another thing people ask is if we are related. I presume they mean me and Tula cos owner is bald all over her body – her fur must have fallen out, although she still has big eyebrows. Sadly her beard hasn’t grown on her face either so she can’t drip water all over people after having a drink (often). Tula is related to me via her grandfather although you wouldn’t really think so to look at us both. Tula is more stocky and broad, I am quite slim – although I have put some weight on since I came here – I was very very slim when I arrived, despite the lady who looked after me trying to get some weight on me too. It may be that I will bulk up a little bit as I get a bit older, but my nice German vet keeps saying I am a perfect weight (but then she does something very peculiar with a thermometer so we won’t dwell on that). So in reply to the original question, I am, and always will be, a Giant Schnauzer…..and as a breed we are very good at search and rescue. Particularly if it is a rabbit we are looking for. Although the rescue bit may need some work…… ;-D

Minxster the Naughty Giant Jan 2010

Well, it appears I have my own blog, which is very clever of me because I don't have opposable thumbs. A bit about me - I am a 3 year old Giant Schnauzer, my owner (that's her bashing her head against a wall) wanted to rescue an elderly male Giant as a companion to her other Giant Schnauzer, Tula. But a kind lady rehomed me because I was in a very unhappy situation *cries a bit* and she knew that I would make a fabulous buddy for Tula (who is perfect in every way). She also knew my owner was a bit of a sucker, and wouldn't throw me out just because my hobbies include single handedly destroying the house, standing on tables, climbing sofas, jumping over glass, pulling items off the top of a book shelf, barking at animals on the TV, and my personal favourite, howling at 3am, 4am and 5am until my owner lets me on her bed or gives up and gets up. I like to growl at her when she makes me my food - it keeps her on her toes. But mostly and bestestly, I like to wait until my owner is alseep on the sofa and curl up on top of her, snuggling my head under her chin. Although those of you who are slightly more suspicious may think this is a ploy just so I keep a roof under my head. But I do adore Tula, who is older and wiser, (and also makes a damn good agility jump when I am in a bouncy mood), I love going out for walks (I particularly enjoy picking up random lost gloves and bringing them home), and owner's son, who, when he isn't being grumpy, shares my bed, oops I mean his bed.

Welcome to blogger followers who want to keep up with my tales of destruction.

Minxster xxx